Category: Random Voidness

Happy is as Happy does!

Yes, I said happy.  I think I’ve finally hit through the glass ceiling with the help of a Lexapro battering ram and I’m calm enough to not be anxious about the falling shards.  Nice metaphor, don’tcha think?  But over all, I am feeling better, as a whole.  I want to get my housework done so I can attack the things in my life that need attention.  I was thinking th Zolpadin was the extra little push I needed but it seems to making me want to sleep more if I’ve had a hard day the day before.  Like now, I know is expecting me to get up and work to show off how well she has trained me in front of her husband, but all I want to do is just curl up in my bed and give myself to the dreams and unhindered thoughts.

Looking back on that statement I can see where the anger is still trying to re-piece the ceiling back to keep me where the anger can reach me and I’m not going to allow it.  C is one of my biggest pokers.  She is a lot like my mom.  When I was doing 1hr. a day in different rooms during the week, she looked at me and told me that I was doing a good job, in a sort of condescending way.  She probably didn’t mean it that way, but that’s the way I took it.  Only I can decided how things can affect me.  I need to stop and take a breath and relax.  I’m trying to learn the Young Womens Creed’ whatever it’s called breaking it up so i can take in long deep breaths and remind myself of the things that I want to be, need to be happy.   I need to conjure up images for the corresponding values so I can flip through the images and know what it means if I don’t have the wherewithal to remember the words.

Well, no more hiding in the void.  I need to find some Tylenol, suck it up, and get the kitchen, family room, and Mom’s room tidied up for tonight.  Three hours of work.  Yikes!!!  That’ll teach me to letting things slide.  Dumb Bunny!

World Stage – Enter Stage Left

I’m calmer today, so far.  That’s saying it’s calmer because Sammy and I are the only two up, so that makes things a little better.  I hope to keep getting up at the earlier hours so I can start getting all my work done before Mom gets up so I don’t have to work around her.

I’m still wanting to just be alone.  To be completely cut off from the world and the people who annoy the crap out of me.  I want to fall head first into the narcissistic vein in my soul and revel in it like the rest of my family.  Yet, I’ve struggled so hard not to make my world start with “I” and then “Me” before “you” and “Us”.  I plan on becoming a world citizen, not just a drain on the world as a human.  I may never, ever make that big of a dip in the wide ocean of need, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t try.

What if, after the world turns for a new season in my life I find that the world pisses me off, I’ll find a new cause, but for now, it’s like the security blanket that makes me hopeful, makes me push forward that someday I will be of use and not a waste to the world.  Now, I’m earning my wings to land on the world stage.

Unconscious Wishing

What does it say about me that I would wish, almost pray, that I get beaned in the head by a softball than spend the day watching my family play Softball?  Being unaware of the now sounds so appealing to me, even now, at home struggling to keep my anger in check….I want a release, I want a psychic vacation from me.  Someone please, just bonk me in the head with something so I can rest.

A Psychic Dust-Up

I wrote in my journal yesterday about 9 pages total, three of those pages dedicated to my minor journals (gratitude, love and hope), so in essence I wrote six pages about my episode with anger and how I’m dealing with it.  So, it was in the forefront of my brain before I went to sleep last night.  I dreamt that I was constantly chewing on splinters and spitting them out with this huge wad of phlegm (even the spelling of the name is hideous).  I looked things up in my dreaming dictionaries.  The splinters are angry words that I need to be careful of, and I have problems getting them out.  However, coupled that with the imbalance in the humours, I’d say I have the start of a sub-conscious “Danger Will Robinson!”  Only I don’t think I’d miss the sixty foot misshapen cockroach attacking me like the little idiot lost on a strange back-lot of Universal.  I need to get the anger under control.  Yes, I was extolling the virtues of sweet revenge last night, but I realize now I need to find a less physically destructive way of doing myself and opt for a more traditional way of getting even….Like retail vengeance.  I go shopping and leave everyone else behind and not buy them anything.  I might be able to get myself into that.

Seriously though, I know that I’m walking a tight rope right now with what I’m eating, when I do eat and my mental/physical health is.  I can joke all I want but the reality is the extra pressure my weight, the depression, the anxiety, the stress of taking care of Mom and the other maladies I’m dealing with will stop being so easy to juggle and everything will fall down on my head.  I need to think of me and be pro-active in getting things taken care of.

Sounds simple enough, but at the same time I see it as one more thing on my list and *poof* I’m stymied into inactivity again.  Blasted!

Revenge is Sweet!

So, I done did it again.  I allowed myself to get sucked into the jet turbine of anger, it spun me around for a while before it spit me out again.  The funny thing is that though I was aware of what I was doing the whole time, I couldn’t stop it.  I was too exhausted from working with someone else and the comment of “When are you doing to do that for me?” was all it took to make me feel crap on a stick instead of just crap.  I’ve noticed a new trend of mine of hiding sweets around the house so when I have an intense-give-me-something-now-before-I-start-eating-sugar-raw I have it.  Lately it’s been frosting.  Whipped cream cheese frosting.  Yum.  It’s kind of alike revenge on everyone, well everyone meaning Mom, because you know what they say, Revenge is Sweet!  I got our favorite cookies and didn’t share them, I’ve got a bag of M&M’s in my office, and I have no intention to share them either…..and she’s going to have to spend a lot of time in front of the refrigerator to find the frosting (which isn’t going to happen).

Sweet is the life of vengeance even though the only person I’m hurting is me.

Ring Around the Depression

I’m tired of the good days, then the angry days, then the sleepy days and then pray for the return of the good days.  When I’m up, I’m hopeful that the bad days are gone, and dissappointed when they aren’t.  If I over-do one day I pay for it the next.  When will I build up the mental muscles to withstand the inevitable onslaught of exhaustion from day-to-day.

Getting upset yesterday that I wasn’t heard by my family was stupid.  When Anger Hurts is correct when it says you can’t make anyone change with the anger and getting angry at something this trivial is my choice.  I am the one that suffers from this choice, not them.  They don’t even know how rude they can be, and it’s been that way for as long as I have memory.  I think it’s Einstein that said to do something over and over again expecting a different outcome is the definition of insanity.  I guess I’m insane.

Anger Anger Everywhere, Yet Not A Face to Slap

Okay. here I am thinking that I’m getting my anger under control, reading my book, having safeguards in my mind in case I feel one coming on, and then BOOM knocked on my ass again.  I’m explaining to Cyndi and Mom, mostly Cyndi that my diagnosis is Sever Depression, Severe Anxiety and just a touch of OCD.  Mom cracks wise about how she’s never seen me be OCD about house cleaning, Cyndi calls me Mrs. Monk.  I explained that I’m Mild in that category but I wanted to express to them what Severe Depression meant in todays standards…..Like normally in-hospital care has been prescribed for Severe depression.  No, something else became more important….I don’t remember what, just the sting that they felt what I was going through was trivial compared to whatever it was they needed to talk about.

I know it’s who they are, I shouldn’t set my expectations so high with the two of them, but I keep hoping…….

So far so Good

Today has started out to be a good day.  Got up early (thank’s to Mom…she needed help to dress), ate breakfast, I’m on my third and final soda for the day, I’ve taken my handful of pills and am contemplating getting up and doing my projects for today…..one hour in each bedroom and office.

It would be so nice to have an office to go to to snuggle with instead of my bedroom.  We can read, or I can play with her but I wouldn’t be anywhere near my bed.  As much as I love my bed, as I’ve stated before, there’s a Monster in my bed!!

Facing my Fears

Let’s see if I can get this to post again….my computer ate my last post.  Little bastard!

When I left therapy on Thursday Connie challenged me with going to the gym three times and working in my rooms for a few hours.  The instant they were on my plate I was overwhelmed.  How weak is that?  Seriously, I must be the most frail person on earth.  Needless to say, they didn’t get done.  Tomorrow is the last day to do anything and I’ll try to get something done, but again, no promises.

I have my excuses, very good ones if you ask me.  For exercise, I’ve had gastrointestinal distress, not the normal IBS, but a flu like distress.  I have a standard rule that I need to curtail any and all possibilities of fouling my britches in public.  I’m just now getting over it and things are back to a some-what solid footing again.  Yea me.  Working in my rooms?, too tired and just not wanting to.  It doesn’t help that I’ve been plagued with the feeling ill and then the whole dumb-bunny move of not taking my pills.  I need to not do that any more.  I didn’t take it yesterday because I didn’t want to take them too close together, but I think that needs to be for-gone with because I don’t think it would do me any harm to have extra calm in my system.

I’m feeling the effects of not having my pills.  I hate that the anger returns to quickly when I go off them.  I know I don’t have a lot of lead way with these little white life savers, and so I push it anyway.  I’m irritated to be around Mom so much and I wish the sisters would be more supportive and take her off my hands from time to time, but as the closest unemployed person in the family, they feel it is the least I can do.  It just irks me that I’m stuck.

I need to get better about these things.  I can’t just hide behind my overwhelmed self forever, no matter how much I’d like to.  I want to re-enter my life and take it by the horns and drive it to my desires, not to the worlds whims.  The start of that is to take my therapy more seriously, to take my drugs regularly and to participate more in my life.  It’s so much easier to say, so much harder to do, but I need to make the strides necessary, no matter how hard and/or painful.  It won’t kill me, or so I keep telling myself, and luckily I’ve gotten to a point in my life when I realize I won’t kill me either.

I’ve stopped crying….

The last blog was written over a week ago. I ‘drafted’ it until I calmed down and then I forgot. I don’t cry, as a rule and I certainly don’t cry in public, it’s humiliating enough to blubber behind closed doors. The stress caused a massive IBS attack and, trust me, you don’t need details.

Therapy today is about taking control of the idea that you have no control and to step consciously into you fears. So, I have to exercise three times before next Tuesday and call my therapist and finish up my office and bedroom. Which are on my check-list.

I’ve been trying to figure out what it is I need to do to get from the I’m-back-on-my-feet-but-don’t-know-where-to-go-from-here? to the next step. But by small things can  all things come to pass. This week it’s eating three meals and taking my meds and BSL to employed and writing again and, dare I say it, even happy and at peace again. I’m not a coward, I know I’m not, but I am afraid of the moving forward part of this
process. Why? I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m afraid of making a giant fool of myself.  I’m afraid that everyone knows that I’m in the Void….again….and know that I can’t make ends meet no matter what I try….that people just won’t like me.

So, working out this week and finishing my rooms…..maybe roll out the yoga mat too.

Connie put up this interesting diagram today about fear, despair and anxiety and their
polar opposites…..

Negative-Positive

Fear – Trust

Anxiety – Peace

Despair – Hope

I have always believed that depression is a profound loss of Hope, peace is one of the fruits of the Spirit and trust is something I need to learn to have with Heavenly Father. I’m going to try the basic lessons I used to do on my mission. I’m going to give to the Lord what is His and trust He will help me get the money back to Cyndi for the rent. Sometimes walking in faith means you have to take the fist couple of steps without seeing where your foot will fall. And I’m talking about all faith, no “back-up” plan, no consequences for Him if He doesn’t come through the way I want Him to. I’m just going to trust that everything that happens will be for my benefit and good. Heaven help me!