Sorry, I’ve been distant, silent even. Mostly because I did something wonderful and it confused me. Let me explain…..
I went on vacation with my family, it was a wedding onboard a cruise ship and we were invited to join the happy couple for the honeymoon. We all had our own rooms of course. I brought a long two books; one pleasure and one enlightening. I chose the Enlightening book first. Before the end of the first day at sea I grabbed my book and went up to the top deck, sunglass/reading glasses in hand and a hat and read. Within the first ten pages I came across a statement (that I can’t quote because it’s not exactly what I read but what I needed to hear) to the effect of:
There comes a time when introspection becomes indulgent.
It struck me so perfectly at that moment and I realized, every aspect of me said it was time to move on and move forward. There was nothing more I could do with the deep dives into who, what, and why that makes me who, what, and why I’ve become. I needed to put myself out there and try to put into place what I have learned, to build on the foundation that I have laid and hopefully not have any dead bodies hidden in the cement. At many points in life we need to stop and do the self evaluation/inventory/mind-tripping that helps us move to the next level, but I feel like I’m all caught up now….
Crossing that line, the invisible line between the two worlds instigated a miraculous change in my psyche: I’m happy, I’m hope-filled, I have more energy, I am making plans for my future and are anxiously waiting to put that plan into motion. (Mom is still doing well, so things are still as they were). Crossing that line also gave me the push I needed to start whittling down my meds. I’m off one of my anxiety pills completely, I’ve cut my Lexapro in half, I’m still taking all my puppy uppers (Welbutrin).
I don’t know if I’m ready to go down another 10mg on my Lexapro. This last jump down brought up the realization that I don’t really have the skills that I thought I had when I was fully medicated, and emotions are starting to break through the chemical barricades. I’m getting caught in the angry loops, but I have more success of talking myself out of them before I spin out of control. I get overwhelmed and stymied easily , but if I just plug away at it, it gets done. I’ve had to put some exercises into place so I could deal with the mental stuff, one of those is writing every day. Which brings me back to the confusion….
For the longest time I used this blog as an integral part of my self exploration. Anything too private was taken care of in my journal, and I’m back to journaling now too, but if continual introspection is self indulgent, it’s not something I should be engaging in if I want to move forward in my life. And I’ve made some major strides in my life from March to now, but I didn’t know if I should start a new blog post-depression to write all the plans and the executions with both successes and failures or if I should just continue here; or should I do it at all? I miss it, so I need to keep doing it . I found that blogging my personal truths out into the world is an act of courage and bravery that makes me feel more courageous and brave in the real world. I think it’s not self indulgent if it isn’t wallowing in the dark but instead sharing the joy and excitement of rediscovering my life now that I’m outside the void.
Any input from my readers would be helpful. Please,