I promised myself when I finally hit the absolute minimum medication level I would start ashwagandha based on what I had heard about it. To be honest, I like the word too. When I wrote Uncomfortably Numb I essentially hit my absolute minimum and started taking Ashwagandha. Stupidly, or it would be if it wasn’t living up to the health store hype, I didn’t do any research before hand. Costco sells it, afterall, and they do what is the absolute most popular at all times. I do know enough about herbs to know it’s not good to put something in your body without knowing what it is, does and can do. Plus with the other drugs, for both psychological and physical ailments, not researching interactions for each and on the whole is again, stupid. Well, stupid if it blows up your face. Absolutely brilliant if you can jump stressful buildings in a single bound and not even scrape your tushie on the pointy bits at the top. Consider…..The move. Quitting my job. Working up until the move. Having people touch my stuff. Keeping my emotions in check. Colonoscopy and biopsy results. I’m sure I can name a few other things, but those are the ones coming to mind at the moment. Though I felt the strain and my sleep was severely disrupted each night, I never not felt I couldn’t handle it. I would give that credit to God and Ashwagandha. Both got me through.
I found an article on Forbes Health: Seven Science-Backed Health Benefits of Ashwagandha. Not all of them apply to me, and I kind of wonder what increased testosterone will do for my current health, I really don’t need more robust chin hair.
- Relieves stress and Anxiety. YES IT DOES!!! The adaptogenic qualities of this herb live up to it’s billing. When I first took the pills I got from Costco (Youtheory) I wanted to slow down my heart rate and maybe eliminate the paplaptations. I noticed a drastic difference when I started taking it, however it didn’t make it go away. When I was focusing on other things, like what I was supposed to be doing, I didn’t notice it. My sleep was deeper, though still fitful and once I woke up around 2:30am I tended to stay awake. But I felt stronger for the sleep and rest I did get. I guess you can say the rope got longer and the knot at the bottom bigger and sturdier with Ashwagandha.
- Lowers Blood Sugar and Fat. I wasn’t aware of this. When I had my fasting blood sugar before my colonoscopy it was in the 140’s which isn’t bad, but is high for a fasting blood sugar. I think I was still just taking the single dose in the evening when that happened. If it does lower fat and sugar, good since when I’m stressed sugar and fat become the two most important food groups for me, however, if the ameliorating of the anxiety and stress of the first benefit is in effect, I won’t need sugar and fat and it lowers my blood sugar and fat. So, this is just a happy side benefit.
- Increases Muscle Strength. This is awesome. You’d say that too if you had to hike 30+ boxes up 20+ steps over five days. That is not counting the things which didn’t fit in boxes or needed to be hauled up from shopping, etc. My thigh muscles should be so angry with me and refuse to get out of bed, my arms unwilling to support my hands to type but I haven’t had to stop. I pulled something in my back, but that was just imprudence in the way I was carrying things instead of doing too much. And even still, it’s not debilitating.
- Doesn’t apply.
- Doesn’t apply.
- Sharpens focus and Memory. I wasn’t aware of this benefit either. However, I have been constantly impressed with my memory of late and my ability to write during a stressful time when I normally spend more time hiding from it than embracing it. In times of trouble and stress I either become scattered like a dandelion in the wind or stymied and unable to move or function. I normally have to use psychic prybars to get my proverbial butt in gear. The stress of the move, of joblessness and so on, has been something I’ve been able to pick up, deal with and then move onto the next task. The ability to not just focus but to remember what I was focusing on is a boon of no little proportions. Of course I say this looking back through the filter of a grateful memory of living through it, at the time I wasn’t as composed and focused as I would like you to believe. However, being in less stressful situations without herbal help and being more scattered and less focused to compare to, I can honestly say it has helped tremendously.
So, during the move I was doubling the dose because if a little is good a lot is better. And it was better. But the article mentions “Larger doses may even trigger unwanted side effects, such as vomiting and diarrhea.” Now that I’m moved out of the apartment, or psychic hell hole as I prefer to call it, and almost completely moved into my room I have cut the dosage back to the 2 pills I’m supposed to take per the directions on the label. My sleep is starting to level off, according to my Oura ring, my heart rate is returning to a normal pace when I’m sleeping (85 bpm down to 69 bpm). The goal now is to get back to doing what is needful: prayer, scripture study, exercise, meditation and see if I can’t get some semblance of a schedule and normal life before I start work again. Sigh. Normally, the idea of this never ending habitrail hamster wheel I feel like we all endure fills me with anxiety but it’s just a sigh and a nod to the reality of what is and that I can do it.
Okay, here’s the sitch with not going to school this semester.
After Mom’s little tirades and big tirades about how I wasn’t earning my keep, how everyone keeps a 40 hour a week job and comes home and cooks dinner, does a load of laundry or two and then cleans and picks up after themselves……then swinging over to I’ll be too scared with you sleeping in a camp site with a knife for protection, they’ll just take it away from you and slice you open. They enjoy stuff like that…..You don’t care about me. I’m afraid I’m going to die alone and even with you here, you can’t even be helpful to me for that….. I’m going to stop now, my head is starting to hurt. Even with all her blustering I was set on going to school. I figured if I could work from home on Thursday, my sister coming in the evening to take care of her I could skip the traffic and nap before class and then with chemical aids like 5 hr. energy and soda I should be able to stay awake on the way home and not have to stay at the state park. Easy peasy. She wasn’t going to talk me out of going to school because she was scared. I was kind of looking forward to being that close to the beach to hear it in the morning when I got up.
I talked to my bestest friend in the world and she just simply said “There are too many moving parts to that plan to work well,” and I realized she was right. I think if she said the exact same thing as what my Mom said I probably would have listened to her. Yes, that sounds like an immature reaction on my end, but I know my BFF wants what’s best for me whereas my Mom just wants whats best for her, so I don’t trust any of her advise. I realize that is part of her narcissism, and I know in some ways she can’t control it. She has to realize something is wrong with herself before she can start changing, and she will never see the error of her ways. So after more thought and prayer and thinking as to what I could do to move my plans forward if I didn’t attend school.
So here’s the plan:
- I pay for my Continuing Education Credits
- I study and pass the test
- I pay the money and fill out the form
- I get my certificate back
With my certificate in hand by January, I will be able to look for a blood letting job and sign up for the online course for medical terminology and put on my resume that I know my education wasn’t very accredited but I am going to an accredited college that will teach me the right stuff, and by being so proactive in my education it will make me look like a good egg. Everyone wants good eggs, bad eggs smell to high heaven, and even if you get rid of them their odor lingers for days/weeks/months to come.
One thing I found out while researching state parks for California. They have a special pass for the disabled. You pay $2.50 for the form processing and then you get 1/2 off your cost for camping and day use of the park. I looked at there definition of “disability” and depression is one of them. I realize that as things are getting better for me in that arena I will need to apply for it soon while I’m still in this maelstrom of emotions. I want to start camping. Glamping for longer times in the wilderness, but camping for weekends anyway. I can afford that, it might be all that I will be able to afford for vacations in my life so I might as well embrace it now and get the stuff that I want and need for the wilderness experience.
- to go back to school to spiff up my phlebotomy credentials (long story)
- to write at night and on weekends
- to have a clean and neat room, with my bed made and laundry done
- to go on hikes on weekends and maybe learn to Glamp from time to time
- to make jewelry for gifts and for myself….maybe even to sell
- to keep working a full time job so I can have a full time pay
- 8hrs a day on a less than taxing job but still need to take a nap in my car
- I’m registering for school but will have to do it in person instead of online, terrified I’ll sleep through it or fail
- I clean my room by turning off the light and turning on the TV
- I get out of bed late on weekends and then require a few naps to get through the day
- The thought of pulling out and putting away all my jewelry making stuff is exhausting in itself
- Honestly, I don’t know how I’ve been able to keep a full time job.
Okay, I’m tired right now. I really have no reason to be, other than I stayed up too late last night. But when I’m in these moods I wonder if I will ever be able to have a normal life, if I’ve ever had a normal life. My Mom is insistent that I just need to “push through” and “fight back” and basically “get over it” and I will be fine. Sometimes I think she’s right, very rarely, and I try and spin myself back out of control. I think I need a routine…a “doing” and slowly build from there. I keep changing this idea of what my day should look like beyond going to work, going home, going to bed, getting up and going to work, going home, going to bed.
Right now I’m thinking that Mediation is the direction I should be going in. Of course I can’t do that until I have a space cleaned in my room, which means I need to work in my room, which means I need to do my laundry and find a meditation pillow and make hand knotted-silk strung beads and a tassel for meditation……See how the wanting and the doing are always dancing?
I need to……….
- I don’t need a clean room to do it
- I don’t need my laundry clean to do it
- I don’t need a special pillow to do it
- I don’t need specially strung beads to do it (yet, I want them because it means shopping and creating)
The only thing I need to do is make time. Or in my case take time. And take comfort in the hope that the needful will allow for the mental space for doing the wanting.