I want……….

• to go back to school to spiff up my phlebotomy credentials (long story)
• to write at night and on weekends
• to have a clean and neat room, with my bed made and laundry done
• to go on hikes on weekends and maybe learn to Glamp from time to time
• to make jewelry for gifts and for myself….maybe even to sell
•  to keep working a full time job so I can have a full time pay

Vs.

I’m doing……….

• 8hrs a day on a less than taxing job but still need to take a nap in my car
• I’m registering for school but will have to do it in person instead of online, terrified I’ll sleep through it or fail
• I clean my room by turning off the light and turning on the TV
• I get out of bed late on weekends and then require a few naps to get through the day
• The thought of pulling out and putting away all my jewelry making stuff is exhausting in itself
• Honestly, I don’t know how I’ve been able to keep a full time job.

Okay, I’m tired right now. I really have no reason to be, other than I stayed up too late last night. But when I’m in these moods I wonder if I will ever be able to have a normal life, if I’ve ever had a normal life. My Mom is insistent that I just need to “push through” and “fight back” and basically “get over it” and I will be fine. Sometimes I think she’s right, very rarely, and I try and spin myself back out of control. I think I need a routine…a “doing” and slowly build from there. I keep changing this idea of what my day should look like beyond going to work, going home, going to bed, getting up and going to work, going home, going to bed.

Right now I’m thinking that Mediation is the direction I should be going in. Of course I can’t do that until I have a space cleaned in my room, which means I need to work in my room, which means I need to do my laundry and find a meditation pillow and make hand knotted-silk strung beads and a tassel for meditation……See how the wanting and the doing are always dancing?

I need to……….

• JUST meditate

  • I don’t need a clean room to do it
  • I don’t need my laundry clean to do it
  • I don’t need a special pillow to do it
  • I don’t need specially strung beads to do it (yet, I want them because it means shopping and creating)

The only thing I need to do is make time. Or in my case take time.  And take comfort in the hope that the needful will allow for the mental space for doing the wanting.