HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!!!

Self Love is

Asking yourself what you need

EVERYDAY

And then making sure

You receive it.

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Reverse Pride

Reverse pride isn’t humility.¬† Humility is humility.¬† Reverse pride is when you are prideful of the fact you aren’t better than anyone else.¬† We all know this idiom:

Pride goeth before the fall.

I didn’t think that really applied to me because I was on the floor, I would never be ‘worthy’ of the grace of God, to take part of the sacrifice Christ provided for me.¬† Which is why my thoughts when I do something less than Christ-like I hear, “It doesn’t matter, I’m going to hell anyway”¬† I wrote it off to self-esteem problems.¬† I’ve been reading a book called “The Miracle of Forgiveness” and in the beginning it talks about pride.¬† It talked about how pride is also telling God who/what/where/why anything that isn’t in your responsibility to change or judgement you can pass.¬† I realized in a moment of clarity I hadn’t just been telling myself I’m bad and unworthy but I’ve been telling Christ I’m bad and unworthy and the grace He secured with his blood isn’t going to save me.¬† EVERYONE will have a share of His grace, no matter what they’ve been in this life.¬† Life is eternal, growth is eternal, the Grace of Christ is eternal.¬† With this knowledge came the realization of there is absolutely nothing I can do about my future, well, other than be the best person I can be.¬† No matter how messed up I perceive myself to be.¬† I have no control, and I am not perfect and neither of those are within my grasp or prevue anyway so I’m trying to figure out how I can better utilize the time feeling like an eternal-bug-in-the-radiator kind of person.¬† I’m moving forward towards my future again, it’s nice.

This begs the question: Why do I feel this way?¬† I’m not a bad person (in comparison to like Hitler, Dahmer, and the ilk).¬† They’re going to receive grace.¬† I’m not ‘useless’ or a ‘waste of clay’.¬† Where do these thoughts come from?¬† Is it that sometimes when someone corrects you by calling you stupid, where every other time it just bounces off your psychic armor until one day the chink is displayed and you are mortally wounded?¬† I’ve called myself stupid most of the time when I do something wrong, from burning dinner and blowing a tire to stubbing my toe on something I’ve left on the floor.¬† I’m far from stupid.¬† I still compare myself to others and, yes, that’s wrong, but I’m finding out all the useless information I seem to gather has made me rather intelligent.¬† Not to be prideful, but my last IQ test (online) I hit in the high 120’s.¬† If I could do math it might be a little higher but I suck at math.¬† How can I be so easily fooled and so completely without guile that I would believe everything bad and evil that I am told both inside and outside my head?¬† The bigger question is, how to I seal up that chink so the darts of negativity aren’t hitting the pink flesh beneath?¬† I am correcting my thoughts when I become aware of them, I try to keep positive quotes handy on my phone, my notebook, my walls, but how can I paper the inside of my head with them?¬† Any suggestions?¬† Please share.

Crossing the Line

Sorry, I’ve been distant, silent even.¬† Mostly because I did something wonderful and it confused me.¬† Let me explain…..

I went on vacation with my family, it was a wedding onboard a cruise ship and we were invited to join the happy couple for the honeymoon.¬† We all had our own rooms of course.¬† I brought a long two books; one pleasure and one enlightening.¬† I chose the Enlightening book first.¬† Before the end of the first day at sea I grabbed my book and went up to the top deck, sunglass/reading glasses in hand and a hat and read.¬†¬† Within the first ten pages I came across a statement (that I can’t quote because it’s not exactly what I read but what I needed to hear) to the effect of:

There comes a time when introspection becomes indulgent.

It struck me so perfectly at that moment and I realized, every aspect of me said it was time to move on and move forward.¬† There was nothing more I could do with the deep dives into who, what, and why that makes me who, what, and why I’ve become.¬† I needed to put myself out there and try to put into place what I have learned, to build on the foundation that I have laid and hopefully not have any dead bodies hidden in the cement.¬† At many points in life we need to stop and do the self evaluation/inventory/mind-tripping that helps us move to the next level, but I feel like I’m all caught up now….

Crossing that line, the invisible line between the two worlds instigated a miraculous change in my psyche: I’m happy, I’m hope-filled, I have more energy, I am making plans for my future and are anxiously waiting to put that plan into motion.¬† (Mom is still doing well, so things are still as they were).¬† Crossing that line also gave me the push I needed to start¬† whittling down my meds.¬† I’m off one of my anxiety pills completely, I’ve cut my Lexapro in half, I’m still taking all my puppy uppers (Welbutrin).

I don’t know if I’m ready to go down another 10mg on my Lexapro.¬† This last jump down brought up the realization that I don’t really have the skills that I thought I had when¬† I was fully medicated, and emotions are starting to break through the chemical barricades.¬† I’m getting caught in the angry loops, but I have more success of talking myself out of them before I spin out of control.¬† I get overwhelmed and stymied easily , but if I just plug away at it, it gets done.¬† I’ve had to put some¬†exercises into place so I could deal with the mental stuff, one of those is writing every day.¬† Which brings me back to the confusion….

For the longest time I used this blog as an integral part of my self exploration.¬† Anything too private was taken care of in my journal, and I’m back to journaling now too, but if¬†continual introspection is self indulgent, it’s not something I should be engaging in if I want to move forward in my life.¬† And I’ve made some major strides in my life from March to now, but I didn’t know if I should start a new blog post-depression to write all the plans and¬†the executions with both successes and failures or if I should just continue here; or should I do it at all?¬† I miss it, so I need to keep doing it .¬† I found that blogging my personal truths out into the world is an act of courage and bravery that makes me feel more courageous and brave in the real world.¬†I think it’s not self indulgent if it isn’t wallowing in the dark but instead sharing the joy and excitement of rediscovering my life now that I’m outside the void.

Any input from my readers would be helpful.  Please,

Prayer: The Hearts Sincere Desire

I’ve been praying again, at least making an honest effort. ¬†I still forget that I’m praying sometimes and let my mind wander but I pull it back as quickly as I can, apologize to my Father in Heaven and push forward. ¬†It seems odd that prayer is so hard for me. ¬†That it was nothing before but “Please, Father, get me through today.” (And He did) But because of my meager efforts I’m no longer extremely anxious about taking the forward steps I need to into the haze of uncertainty because I know He will prepare a path for me even if all I can see it one step at a time.

It’s so hard to describe the sensation of this for me. ¬†I’ve always known there was a higher power (mine is God/Heavenly Father/Elohim) for as long as I can remember. ¬†At one point I wanted to be cloistered away as a nun; ¬†a life of service and reflection apparently appeals to the writers heart. ¬†However, I chose the secular world and now my realities are 1) my job is ending 2) my education to be a phlebotomist is a joke in the industry 3) I’ve not stuck anyone in years and 4)it’s going to pay less (especially a non-union job) than the pittance I’m making now. (I’m not even going to go into the lack of writing, lack of journaling and lack of any creativity in my life right now). ¬†My mind races and then collapses from exhaustion. ¬†I think R.E.M. said it best:

It’s the end of the world as we know it

And I feel fine

I’ve never been able to really make plans for my future because I’ve always had the concept hard wired into my mind “Live now for tomorrow we die”. ¬†So now, I pray about it, when¬†the anxiety, fear and general loathing of change overtakes me and then a calm comes and the gentle words of peace and comfort scatter the emotions like cockroaches in the light and I feel fine.

Though I’m still anxious about a lot of things:

  • Mom’s ultimate destination and getting her ready, getting me ready, fear of walking in on her and finding her when I’m alone
  • Money lasting to the end of the month and not being able to buy stuff with my own money
  • Getting money together for my nephews wedding (This is new one, he’s going on a cruise and we’re all invited)
  • Job ending
  • Job searching
  • Being trapped forever with Mom
  • Never getting my eating under control and never being able to eat Golden Mega Stuff Oreos again
  • Dying before I have a chance to live
  • Being around people
  • Dealing with my family and the anger it stirs up in me and the fear of not being able to control it around them

That’s just off the top of my head, the things that I can pick out when it’s spinning. ¬†Though I know everything in my heart will be okay, the chemicals in my brain still won’t settle down and leave me in peace. ¬†I’m hoping to replace my emergency anti-anxiety pills and the half one I take every day, with meditation and prayer. ¬†It is my sincerest desire to be trusting and rest in the Lords embrace and know everything will be okay. ¬†Though my heart is starting to trust my head is still overly paranoid and distrusting of everyone and everything, both physical and spiritual. ¬†It’s not the end of the world, just a change, and I will be fine. ¬†Prayer needs to be my¬†bridge from this life to the next, I can feel that in my heart to be true and I need to be more persistent in following the whispers of hope and orient myself to the feeling of warmth and comfort the Spirit provides when¬†I follow my heart.

Once Bitten…..

There is a scripture that talks about a child being able to put his hand in the den of asps and not be harmed. ¬†This of course is Isaiah divining¬†the peaceable kingdom to¬†come. ¬†I know we aren’t living in the time of peace and harmony so why do I still stick my hand out to be bit every time I talk to Mom? ¬†She is convinced that I truly do not earn my keep, at least not the $12.33 an hour I’m supposed to work for her. ¬†I’m working from home today and she’s already planned blood draw and then her social worker is coming over which will more than use up the allotted time I’m supposed to work per day to “earn my money” ¬†but it’s not cleaning house, it’s not doing her laundry, it’s not feeding her birds, it’s not slaving for her. ¬†She wants unconditional love, unconditional devotion, and unconditional willingness to be kicked in the gut when she needs someone to hurt as much as she does so she has the illusion of control and doesn’t feel alone. ¬†Where I want to hurt myself in those situations she wants to hurt other people.

I know that, I’ve know that she’s angry and scared and is having problems adjusting to the inevitable. ¬†I know this then why is it it hurts and tears¬†at me when she says things like “Well, it’s not like you’re earning your money. ¬†I could probably cut your hours back so K can work full time”. ¬†I know she needs and wants to keep me on “the payroll” because she’s afraid that if I didn’t need my medical so desperately, I would quit her and leave her alone to die. ¬†I think that’s what she has always expected her whole life, that she would die alone because her family doesn’t love her, that she is unlovable. ¬†She’s convinced herself her parents and siblings hated her, and if even half of what she has told me is true, it is probably the root cause of all this, her husbands have abused her, cheated on her (or so her expanding memory keeps telling her), her grandkids (except for one) hate her and she doesn’t know why, I’m only here for the money and benefits. ¬†I can’t seem to change her mind on that.

The bright side to all of this is the medications are working. ¬†I know they are because I’m not ranting about her, knowing that if I keep going on and on about how I do my job would send me into an emotional maelstrom and I would dwell on it for hours if not days. ¬†I might still pick it up from time to try¬†to figure out what do but I’m able to divert my thoughts when I realize I’m starting to spin before I’m out of control. ¬†Amazing what happens when you take your pills every day.

The angry person that I am wants to tell her what she can do with her $12.33 and comprehensive benefits and put them somewhere the sun doesn’t shine. ¬†But honestly I couldn’t afford to pay for COBRA and also lose the pittance of a paycheck that I get from my second job. ¬†Heaven knows I’m not able to afford everything else with my first job. ¬†Pushing the anger aside I’ve been able to think clearly enough and realize that going without medical is no longer an option in the US, and ways have been provided to help those of us who can’t make their ends meet. ¬†So, what this means to me is that I don’t have to work for her any more, I can be her daughter, do what I am emotionally and physically able to do for her and take back the control I need for my own sanity. ¬†I know, I know, control is an illusion, no one has control. ¬†Despite that, I need to protect myself as much as possible as she starts to deal with her own end-of-life issues I want to be there with her and I want to help her and prepare her but not at the expense of my own sanity. ¬†If anyone is going to drive me over the crazy cliff it will be me. ¬†I am the mistress of my own fate.

So this gives me a whole new list of things to do:

  1. Contact Covered California for help in figuring out the system (done)
  2. Get the cost of COBRA
  3. Sign up for VHP but not on Medi-Cal.
    • Medi-Cal patients are treated differently than VHP participants.
  4. Assign my hours over to K and then quit my job as Mom’s “caregiver” and then start taking care of her as her daughter.

I doubt she’ll stop trying to hurt me, but at least she might have to think twice because I’m not getting paid to be her personal walking and talking Damnit Doll.

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