Writing my way from darkness back into light
The universe gave me a response to the last post:
Life is not easy for any of us. But what of that? We must have perseverance and above all confidence in ourselves. We must believe we are gifted for something and that this thing must be obtained.
Marie Curie
I am struggling and instead of doing something to alleviate it, (writing in my journal, looking for work, exercising, praying) I’m reading excerpts from my writing and crawling into a word outside of what is going on in the world right now. I love fiction because it allows me to write the world the way I want it to be. A world where we protect our children from predators and themselves. For example, a parents who see a suicide note and yells at her daughter instead of getting her help. Yes, that happened. Though, at the time, I didn’t think of it as suicide. I wanted to just disappear. At 11, a very sheltered 11 to boot, I didn’t know really what suicide was. I didn’t know anything useful about protecting myself from myself any better than I knew how to take care of myself then or now. I typed on the typewriter I just wanted to leave, I didn’t want to be there any more. My plan, thin as it was, was to hike up into the foothills behind the stable where we boarded our horse. The one time I was allowed to take the beast into the foothills I found a decrepit shack, no bigger than a normal shed today and it represented a life completely cut off from people, from the confusion and ignorance I lived in. It also cut me off from water and food and any form of real protection from cold and rain. I recognize it now for what it is, a form of passive suicidality.
It pisses me off all over again that my mother who knew, who read the note for what it really was, never did anything. Who I felt I had to hide my first go-round when I attempted suicide and subsequent antidepressants because I couldn’t let her know or talk about it because she wasn’t safe. A doctor put her on Decadron for a pseudo brain tumor to reduce the swelling in her brain and that somehow sparked some sort of mental break which required anti-depressants and after she became RFK level anti-anti-depressant spokesperson. (She revealed in ‘couples therapy’ with my sister she was faking it so we wouldn’t move to the Virgin Islands for a job opportunity for my father…..Yes, that happened.)
The most useless distraction is wondering how my life would be different if she had done something other than yell at me for scaring her. If she had gotten me therapy or took me to the bishop, or just ANYTHING. Would I be constantly second-guessing myself now? Would I be struggling with depression and anxiety? Would I be able to take care of myself like a valued human being instead of just doing the needful? Would I still be in pain every morning wondering if I should just stay in bed and forget the fight, surrender and die? I have really, really been hating her all over again. This is something that has recently bubbled up from the emotional archives and has rekindled the hate and anger and self-recrimination for not protecting myself better. (way to really add to the emotional maelstrom.)
Let me be clear, I am not suicidal. Disturbing Thoughts is the closest I’ve come since I’ve started this journey to be that close to causing myself harm. When the disturbing thoughts disturb me I correct them and remind myself I have faith (not always hope), and that everything will be okay. I know it will because I’ve seen it happen. I have a very loving family, I have friends around the US, and I have a bird no one wants so I can’t go anywhere. Some days I just need to allow myself distractions to get me through. I need ignore the feeling of being at the bottom of a hill and having to push my whole life up it again to see the future.
If the abuse/neglect I received in childhood did this to me, my heart aches for the survivors who suffered at the hands of the pedophiles and rapists on and off that Island. Every man who takes privilege and forces it on children should be publicly humiliated, excoriated with acid and castrated. NO ONE has the right to do that to a child. Period. Not a parent. Not a politician. Not a billionaire. Anyone who protects, supports or defends these men are JUST AS GUILTY. Period. PROTECT THE CHILDREN not privilege,
Last Saturday, January 31, I actually left my room, stood on a corner, held a sign, and protested. I didn’t get shot, I didn’t get arrested and nothing more than people flipping me off happened. My response to those disapproving souls was to blow them a kiss.
My sign read –
Stop the devils servants. Justice for Good and Pretti!
A little more religious than I would like, but if men can murder innocent people and either curse their victim or run away, what else can you call them.? The happy part was there were more honks than fingers and more than 175 people crowded on the corner in front of a business profiting handsomely from the current administrations shinanigans.
I won’t deny I was afraid. Even though we don’t have ICE en masse in our city, but like I said in Right of Way I live in a community with a large immigrant population. What has been interesting since the protest, and the subsequent meeting after to learning about our software ‘EveryAction’, I am not crocheting like a woman on a mission. I’m still crocheting, but there isn’t this “Dear God, make it stop!” kind of screaming in my head when I do it. Doing something about it, protesting and volunteering, has staunched the bleeding from that particular open wound. I am still trying to figure out work in this economy as an older person and I’m scheduled for eye surgery next month all the while watching the totals on my credit cards mount exponentially. As trivial as ‘not manically crocheting’ sounds, it’s a blessed start.
In the back of my head I still hear the evil pixy telling me my miniscule action don’t really mean anything. My boycotting stores, my protesting in a mostly red community, my help with the membership team for TRAC Indivisible…all of it. I am insignificant, I’m useless, and nothing more than a floating dust mote in the political arena. I ignore the little malicious sprite and remember: The Right likes to compare my political personality to a snowflake. A snowflake is a delicate ice crystal that will melt if it’s not cold enough or if it comes into contact with any kind of warmth to be absorbed and forgotten into the earth. However, when snowflakes stick together they can have the force of an avalanche whose influence will for miles.
Learning is the best way to alleviate a lot of fear and dissipate procrastination, It’s just that simple.
I attended a meeting and call to action meeting last night. I was worried about filming at protests and obvious human rights violations. It addressed what my first amendment rights are and what they’re not. I can film any police action I want as long as I’m following all directions from the ICE Agents and police. I cannot do it on private property unless given express permission by the owner. I cannot post without the victim’s/victim’s family/victim’s lawyers permission. I totally agree with that. No one wants to watch a news program and see their loved one beaten by four or five jack-booted, fully armed men and then shot for wanting to help another victim of the terror squad. II know I wouln’t.
This hasn’t really alleviated all the fear of getting shot. I realize that is the purpose of the ICE Agents shooting random people, to intimidate the citizenry that obedience is security. If I learned anything from taking care of a raging narcissist is that no matter what you do, it’s NEVER GOOD ENOUGH. All the money in the world won’t be good enough. Every citizen on their knees when the powers that be enter a room won’t be good enough. Defiling every 16 year old virgin won’t be good enough. Me, as a citizen, will never be good enough. So, at some point you just have to say F*** IT. i am good enough and stand your ground.
I’m mot in Minnesota so the chances of me being shot are minimal. I do live in a farming community and interact with a lot of foreign people. I don’t know their status, I don’t ask. I don’t care. They are human, they aren’t criminals (as defined by the rhetoric of the powers that be), and they deserve respect. The same respect we demand as Americans when we enter their country. I keep asking myself “If the time comes, will I stand with them or let the wave of weaponized government sanctioned hate sweep them away. I want to believe, despite the anxiety and fear, that I will stand with and for them.
All tyranny needs to gain a foothold is for people of good conscience to remain silent.
Thomas Jefferson
These postcards represent my very first action in resisting. All four were sent to my senator, basically asking him if he would like his due process, freedom of speech and so on denied him. My point here is that I did it. It’s not holing a sign singing, chanting and marching, but I did it.
I’m a good talker about what’s wrong with the government (no matter who is in the oval office) but I’ve always believed when you deny any right to any person you are opening the door for those rights to be denied you. Benjamin Franklin, I believe, said:
Any man who gives up his freedom for security deserves neither freedom no security.
I love my freedoms, and I’m not going to let them go easily, I am going slow because I don’t want to terrify myself under the bed. So, I’ve been to two national call to action meetings (another one tonight) to unite against the tyranny and brutality in Minnesota. There is a national call to action to stand up against the companies in our neighborhood which are supporting ICE while they occupy any area….Target, Home Depot, and Hilton. Tomorrow, if you can, please don’t shop at them or if you’re traveling try not to stay in a Hilton property.
My new years resolutions requires me to see how far I can take each aspect of the two organizations I’ve adopted. TRAC Indivisible (Tracy Residents Action Coalition) which is within the Indivisible grass-roots organization. SURJ is Standing Up for Racial Justice, specifically White People Standing Up for Racial Justice. Theirs is the call to action for tomorrow. Within these two groups I need to do certain things like doing the postcards (done), going to a protest, doing call-banking, and actually going door to door to get my neighbors involved. I’ve done all of those things for jobs or charity work but I had something to hide behind. This is standing up for what I know is right and asking people to join me.
The goal for getting involved? Mostly to re-enter the world. It’s so easy to stay in my room, crocheting obsessively and repeating the mantra ‘everything will be okay in the end’. The end being when I’m dead and the worries of the world won’t trouble me any longer. I’ve also tasked myself to join a writing group and to join the church choir and see if loud makes up for talent.
In all honesty, I’m scared. I don’t want to be shot, I don’t want to be hurt and I don’t want to bring down any of that hell on my family. But, for me, it’s gotten to the point where doing nothing is no longer an option. So, here I am on the bleeding edge of action and I’m trying really, really hard to leave my room and jump.
The world, not just our nation, is in chaos. Wars, incursions, kidnapping, school shootings and women and mothers are being destroyed by the dozens. Some in places where their safety has been guaranteed by a democratic constitution. As a woman who is known to be mouthy, that kind of frightens me…..A LOT! I try not to think beyond prayers to the families because that path leads to panic and sleepless nights.
Unemployment gives me time to think. Its helpful to untangle the plot knots I often find myself ensnarled in, but not so good for the anxiety which makes it impossible to concentrate. Writing gives me escape from my stress and anxiety, crocheting provides an outlet and a filler for times when I’m trying to ruminate on my problems. It also fills a need for me to help out in the world without totally getting involved….by that I mean leaving my bedroom and bird and actually putting actions to my beliefs. Crochet isn’t going to be enough while this country spirals through the machinations of a greedy and slowly dissolving mind.
So, what to do….
A friend at church has started TRAC Indivisible which sent me to a site http://www.mobilize.us. It’s a platform dedicated to help us to, well, mobilize and realize we aren’t alone in this struggle to restore the America like-minded patriots believe in. After signing up for TRAC Indivisible mobilize.us directed me to SURJ (Showing Up for Racial Justice) group. I’ve attended one Zoom meeting which covered the wins and goals for the nationwide group. The first meeting for TRAC Indivisible is IRL this Saturday and I can see what I can physically do. Talking about it isn’t enough any more, it only adds to the angry and terrifying spinning in my head. I’m hoping by doing something tangible, like the crochet does for the anxiety in my immediate sphere of influence, I will surmount my fear and anxiety over the local, national and global terror playing out on all news outlets every freaking day.
If the current state of the union is tweaking your anxiety and you think doing something will help, please check out SURJ at http:mobilize.us. You will need to certify yourself, that you’re not a bot or whatever. If you are in my area, Tracy and San Juaquin County, you can sign up for TRAC Indivisible.
I’m afraid I will fail. My CBT rebuttal to that unkind thought is: Failing means I tried. Failing means I was moving forward. Not all paths are marked, not all roads are paved and sometimes you have to stick your toe in hot water before you realize it’s perfect for a long soak.
When I’m not doing well, and especially when I was taking care of my mom, my morning prayers were a simple: Please get me through. I never elaborated to Him or to myself what ‘through’ meant. I just wanted to survive another day. I’ve always wanted to just get through. Sure, I have grand ideas, and I want more but I live small, mostly in fear that everything is going to disappear and I’ll have to start all over again. This leads to hanging on to bad thing to long, not risking anything for fear the good thing ahead of me is a lie (because everything is a lie, after all) and I stagnate dreaming of being better.
I wrote out my New Year’s Resolutions yesterday and they were the normal fare I set out for myself each year. A basic “do better” laundry list. My theme, as stated in my last post is to “Move Forward”, but move forward to where? Like a road trip, goals need a destination.
This is my destination….of course now, I need to rework my NYRs to help me THRIVE instead of just survive.
This is what I saw standing on the train platform this morning. It brightened my spirit immensely.
New day+New month+New Year=New Year’s Resolutions!!!
Obviously, one resolution will be blogging more. Reality has been bumping up against my perceptions (or delusions) and has been causing a boat load of issues I keep trying to crochet away. It may not solve my problems but at least I end up with some pretty (or outrageously obnoxious) blankets to give away at Christmas.
Not only have I not been blogging, I’ve not been journaling either. I have been writing or rather editing and reading my work…..imagining depths to the prose beyond the simple story to prop up my confidence to keep moving forward.
Keep moving forward. The theme for my new year. Wish me luck!
This isn’t my photo. I found it on BlueSky. It just spoke to me. The single branch swamped in dark water with a single red breasted robin on it’s arthritic finger. It is a story of rebirth, renewal and recovery from a dark and solitary life to the freedom of a bird to soar on the winds of time. Too dramatic? Possibly. I just really like this picture, it gives me hope.
Spring has officially sprung when you see more ducklings in the pond than ducks. Happy Spring!
Blogging From The Void 