I’ve stopped crying….

The last blog was written over a week ago. I ‘drafted’ it until I calmed down and then I forgot. I don’t cry, as a rule and I certainly don’t cry in public, it’s humiliating enough to blubber behind closed doors. The stress caused a massive IBS attack and, trust me, you don’t need details.

Therapy today is about taking control of the idea that you have no control and to step consciously into you fears. So, I have to exercise three times before next Tuesday and call my therapist and finish up my office and bedroom. Which are on my check-list.

I’ve been trying to figure out what it is I need to do to get from the I’m-back-on-my-feet-but-don’t-know-where-to-go-from-here? to the next step. But by small things can  all things come to pass. This week it’s eating three meals and taking my meds and BSL to employed and writing again and, dare I say it, even happy and at peace again. I’m not a coward, I know I’m not, but I am afraid of the moving forward part of this
process. Why? I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m afraid of making a giant fool of myself.  I’m afraid that everyone knows that I’m in the Void….again….and know that I can’t make ends meet no matter what I try….that people just won’t like me.

So, working out this week and finishing my rooms…..maybe roll out the yoga mat too.

Connie put up this interesting diagram today about fear, despair and anxiety and their
polar opposites…..

Negative-Positive

Fear – Trust

Anxiety – Peace

Despair – Hope

I have always believed that depression is a profound loss of Hope, peace is one of the fruits of the Spirit and trust is something I need to learn to have with Heavenly Father. I’m going to try the basic lessons I used to do on my mission. I’m going to give to the Lord what is His and trust He will help me get the money back to Cyndi for the rent. Sometimes walking in faith means you have to take the fist couple of steps without seeing where your foot will fall. And I’m talking about all faith, no “back-up” plan, no consequences for Him if He doesn’t come through the way I want Him to. I’m just going to trust that everything that happens will be for my benefit and good. Heaven help me!

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