Tag: #TRACIndivisible

A Little Green A Day

Saturday (April 25) was the celebration for Earth Day (April 22). It was attached to the city’s farmers market. I will admit, it took me a minute to get my courage up to start talking to people. My anxiety has been higher the past few weeks. By higher, I mean thinking about supplementing it with vitamin X with my daily social meds. I didn’t. I just focus my mind on other things and try to suppress it the best I can. Not that suppressing it is really going to help in the scheme of things, but I didn’t have time to dig down to the splinter causing this rash of irritation. After, I went to the farmers market to see what they had to offer. My social and emotional goal is to go again or make it a weekly thing to get me out of the house.

The anxiety is worrying me, or should I say it’s causing anxiety, which is making it worse. I think I almost had a full-on panic attack when I worked in the food pantry at Open Heart Kitchen.  I took big 50lbs bags of potatoes and carrots and creating 2lb to 3lb bags for easy hand out. Within the first hour, my eyes began to feel like there were curtains slowly closing around my eyes. Not just seeing the darkness coming but feeling it as well. I started to get lightheaded and I thought I would lose consciousness. I went to the table to see if there was room for me to sit down and help them cut net bags. There was a chair but not space to cut….so I walked away. I would assume, if I showed the distress on the outside (pale out, or seeming incoherent, someone would have said something) I went back to my table and began to put onions in netted bags. It cleared up and went away. I didn’t faint.  I didn’t make much of a fool of myself by asking for help.  Yea me.

I bring this up now because while I was walking the farmers market I started feeling the same way. I’d have these episodes before when I was working with an acute and prolonged case of irritable bowel syndrome. Then I thought it was dehydration. I wasn’t dehydrated at OHK, I might have been at the farmers market.

My anxiety has been taking this opportunity to play “You’re dying, why try.” song and “What’s going to happen to Sammy” on the flip side. I’m waking up in the middle of the night with my heart racing and my breath trying to catch up. I try to push the record off the player, but my brain keeps spinning, the evil pixies keep singing and I throw myself into distracting pursuits to take my mind off things.

There is hopeful news.  I finally got my medical straightened out and I see a doctor on Wednesday.  My prefrontal cortex is saying it’s probably nothing, just anxiety or dehydration.  My limbic system is shouting: BRAIN TUMOR.  I will say, a disease of the brain, the one thing I’ve prized over everything else in my life is terrifying.

Coping Strategy For The Nonce

The world, not just our nation, is in chaos. Wars, incursions, kidnapping, school shootings and women and mothers are being destroyed by the dozens. Some in places where their safety has been guaranteed by a democratic constitution. As a woman who is known to be mouthy, that kind of frightens me…..A LOT! I try not to think beyond prayers to the families because that path leads to panic and sleepless nights.

Unemployment gives me time to think. Its helpful to untangle the plot knots I often find myself ensnarled in, but not so good for the anxiety which makes it impossible to concentrate. Writing gives me escape from my stress and anxiety, crocheting provides an outlet and a filler for times when I’m trying to ruminate on my problems. It also fills a need for me to help out in the world without totally getting involved….by that I mean leaving my bedroom and bird and actually putting actions to my beliefs. Crochet isn’t going to be enough while this country spirals through the machinations of a greedy and slowly dissolving mind.

So, what to do….

A friend at church has started TRAC Indivisible which sent me to a site http://www.mobilize.us. It’s a platform dedicated to help us to, well, mobilize and realize we aren’t alone in this struggle to restore the America like-minded patriots believe in. After signing up for TRAC Indivisible mobilize.us directed me to SURJ (Showing Up for Racial Justice) group. I’ve attended one Zoom meeting which covered the wins and goals for the nationwide group. The first meeting for TRAC Indivisible is IRL this Saturday and I can see what I can physically do. Talking about it isn’t enough any more, it only adds to the angry and terrifying spinning in my head. I’m hoping by doing something tangible, like the crochet does for the anxiety in my immediate sphere of influence, I will surmount my fear and anxiety over the local, national and global terror playing out on all news outlets every freaking day.

If the current state of the union is tweaking your anxiety and you think doing something will help, please check out SURJ at http:mobilize.us. You will need to certify yourself, that you’re not a bot or whatever. If you are in my area, Tracy and San Juaquin County, you can sign up for TRAC Indivisible.

I’m afraid I will fail. My CBT rebuttal to that unkind thought is: Failing means I tried. Failing means I was moving forward. Not all paths are marked, not all roads are paved and sometimes you have to stick your toe in hot water before you realize it’s perfect for a long soak.