Come again some other day. (Perhaps I should preface that with NEVER)
It was a long weekend, and far too short at the same time. I eested mostly on Sunday because of what happened on Saturday. What happened on Saturday you ask….
- Got up and walked to the bank to get cash in case what I had in my checking wouldn’t be enough.
- Arranged for the tow on the Geico app and waited inside for about 1.5 hours and then went out to stand by my car….in the driveway.
- Had a nice chat with the neighbor for about 30 minutes until the tow truck driver showed up (Finally!!!)
- J. hooked my baby up to his truck. He tried to turn it over, you know, just in case. We chatted about birds and UFOs.
- Got to Priemier Nissan in San Jose.
So far so good, right…..
- Started to climb down from the cab of the truck, it the first step, I was out too far for the second step and missed the step. Luckily, the Lord was with me and kept me safe, though my arms got one heck of a stretch and my back slammed against the inner door frame. Ouchie!
- Talked to Doc at Nissan and he was honest with me and said his team probably wouldn’t even get to plug it into the computer so no use waiting in the lounge, so I decided to go home by their shuttle.
- The shuttle driver wasn’t coming back. I growled to myself. I still have a problem asking people for help….in this case pride literally went before the fall.
- As I was gathering my stuff to go to the lounge to call around up DRIVES Doc with my car.
Sunday I got a call from him that said on a cursory look at the diagnostics there doesn’t appear to be any problems with her. He wanted to keep her until today so he could make sure.
Now I know I have a part in all this bad ju-ju. I consciencly decided I didn’t want to take ANY of my meds. There wasn’t a coherent reason other than I didn’t think I needed it. And I skipped again on Sunday. I couldn’ sleep last night, almost called in sick to school (in a two week course is untenable) so I got up, med-upped, donned my scrubs and went to school. I’m out now and waiting for the shuttle. I did okay sticking people and I was a good sport and let people stick me. However none of this explains why I’m tearing up. Stress is really kicking my a** right now.
Reverse pride isn’t humility. Humility is humility. Reverse pride is when you are prideful of the fact you aren’t better than anyone else. We all know this idiom:
Pride goeth before the fall.
I didn’t think that really applied to me because I was on the floor, I would never be ‘worthy’ of the grace of God, to take part of the sacrifice Christ provided for me. Which is why my thoughts when I do something less than Christ-like I hear, “It doesn’t matter, I’m going to hell anyway” I wrote it off to self-esteem problems. I’ve been reading a book called “The Miracle of Forgiveness” and in the beginning it talks about pride. It talked about how pride is also telling God who/what/where/why anything that isn’t in your responsibility to change or judgement you can pass. I realized in a moment of clarity I hadn’t just been telling myself I’m bad and unworthy but I’ve been telling Christ I’m bad and unworthy and the grace He secured with his blood isn’t going to save me. EVERYONE will have a share of His grace, no matter what they’ve been in this life. Life is eternal, growth is eternal, the Grace of Christ is eternal. With this knowledge came the realization of there is absolutely nothing I can do about my future, well, other than be the best person I can be. No matter how messed up I perceive myself to be. I have no control, and I am not perfect and neither of those are within my grasp or prevue anyway so I’m trying to figure out how I can better utilize the time feeling like an eternal-bug-in-the-radiator kind of person. I’m moving forward towards my future again, it’s nice.
This begs the question: Why do I feel this way? I’m not a bad person (in comparison to like Hitler, Dahmer, and the ilk). They’re going to receive grace. I’m not ‘useless’ or a ‘waste of clay’. Where do these thoughts come from? Is it that sometimes when someone corrects you by calling you stupid, where every other time it just bounces off your psychic armor until one day the chink is displayed and you are mortally wounded? I’ve called myself stupid most of the time when I do something wrong, from burning dinner and blowing a tire to stubbing my toe on something I’ve left on the floor. I’m far from stupid. I still compare myself to others and, yes, that’s wrong, but I’m finding out all the useless information I seem to gather has made me rather intelligent. Not to be prideful, but my last IQ test (online) I hit in the high 120’s. If I could do math it might be a little higher but I suck at math. How can I be so easily fooled and so completely without guile that I would believe everything bad and evil that I am told both inside and outside my head? The bigger question is, how to I seal up that chink so the darts of negativity aren’t hitting the pink flesh beneath? I am correcting my thoughts when I become aware of them, I try to keep positive quotes handy on my phone, my notebook, my walls, but how can I paper the inside of my head with them? Any suggestions? Please share.