Tag: #doingtheneedful

Crossing Signal

Twelve days ago I upped my Welbutrin by 50%.  I explained to the teledoc I wanted her to increase it by 100% but to do it with 50mg tablets.  Aparently, that’s illegal.  Learned something new. 

I started the 150mg and waited for my brain to accept and become comfortable with the saratonin level rising.  In twelve days I’ve taken my meds maybe eight times and it’s not sending a consistent signal. 

There was the initial placebo-effect knowing help was coming and the constant hoovering-up of the happy chemical would be able to play longer on the gray matter would become reality…..then hope faded and the darkness reasserted itself and I’m compounding the signal by skipping a dose every few days. 

To avoid fault at all costs, I’m thinking my emotional brain is sending the signal it wants relief where my pragmatic brain is countering the signal with….now you have to take responsibility and do something about all the things the depression has kept you from doing.  That thought exhausts me when I see everything I’ve been avoiding.

I think the signals need to be flooded with saratonin so switching to my old dose and taking two might keep the signals from crossing and confusing me….What do you think?

Doing the Needful

Boxes have been dancing around my head like cubed sugar plum fairies. In my first attempt at therapy with a Jungian therapist she diagnosed me with past sexual trauma based on an image in a dream she made me draw out (it was a doozy of a dream). I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO MEMORY OF THAT KIND OF TRAUMA. She told me it didn’t matter if I remember it or not, the dream image was proof. So I’ve been carrying around this idea in my head and dreading the day I would have to unbox it and deal with something I couldn’t remember. Ellen and I talked about this. No memory means no memory. The dream image is just a dream. There are survivor behaviors I exhibit (behaviors defined by talk-shows and internet articles), but it’s still not proof of abuse. We discussed my childhood and some of the frugal techniques my parents employed could explain a lot of those issues. Something which needs reframing further down the road.

Ellen pointed out the issues are in boxes and neatly put away. They are safe and secure and they don’t need to be dealt with right now, if ever. Not avoiding. Not ignoring. JUST NOT NOW. I can adjust their position on the shelves, but I don’t have to do anything right now. Right now is just too busy to be opening a possible cobra-in-the-box to scare me back into the void. I don’t need that right now. Relief doesn’t even describe what I felt at this realization.

Then why have the dream? Why would my subconscious bring this to my attention? One of the ideas which came to mind is I am starting to reduce my dependance on Ellen. It’s nice to have someone help you sort out the threats from the paranoia, if you will and it’s easier to have her on my calendar then to deal with things as they happen. I am doing okay on my own but I’m always afraid I’m going to mess up. When I start spinning on that fear I eventually stop myself and correct it with: “So what? You mess up. It’s not the end of the world.” Considering how many time I’ve found myself at the equivalent of square one due to mis-calculations and didn’t die or get arrested proves messing up isn’t the horror my brain has always made it out to be. Though the tool doesn’t present itself at the start of the spin, it does work once I get my hands on it. As long as I don’t stop trying I will succeed. As long as I get up every time I fall, I will cross the finish line. Right now, doing the needful is enough.