Category: Moving Forward

Right of Way

Learning is the best way to alleviate a lot of fear and dissipate procrastination, It’s just that simple.

I attended a meeting and call to action meeting last night. I was worried about filming at protests and obvious human rights violations. It addressed what my first amendment rights are and what they’re not. I can film any police action I want as long as I’m following all directions from the ICE Agents and police. I cannot do it on private property unless given express permission by the owner. I cannot post without the victim’s/victim’s family/victim’s lawyers permission. I totally agree with that. No one wants to watch a news program and see their loved one beaten by four or five jack-booted, fully armed men and then shot for wanting to help another victim of the terror squad. II know I wouln’t.

This hasn’t really alleviated all the fear of getting shot. I realize that is the purpose of the ICE Agents shooting random people, to intimidate the citizenry that obedience is security. If I learned anything from taking care of a raging narcissist is that no matter what you do, it’s NEVER GOOD ENOUGH. All the money in the world won’t be good enough. Every citizen on their knees when the powers that be enter a room won’t be good enough. Defiling every 16 year old virgin won’t be good enough. Me, as a citizen, will never be good enough. So, at some point you just have to say F*** IT. i am good enough and stand your ground.

I’m mot in Minnesota so the chances of me being shot are minimal. I do live in a farming community and interact with a lot of foreign people. I don’t know their status, I don’t ask. I don’t care. They are human, they aren’t criminals (as defined by the rhetoric of the powers that be), and they deserve respect. The same respect we demand as Americans when we enter their country. I keep asking myself “If the time comes, will I stand with them or let the wave of weaponized government sanctioned hate sweep them away. I want to believe, despite the anxiety and fear, that I will stand with and for them.

All tyranny needs to gain a foothold is for people of good conscience to remain silent.

Thomas Jefferson

Beyond Surviving

When I’m not doing well, and especially when I was taking care of my mom, my morning prayers were a simple: Please get me through.  I never elaborated to Him or to myself what ‘through’ meant.  I just wanted to survive another day.  I’ve always wanted to just get through.  Sure, I have grand ideas, and I want more but I live small, mostly in fear that everything is going to disappear and I’ll have to start all over again.  This leads to hanging on to bad thing to long, not risking anything for fear the good thing ahead of me is a lie (because everything is a lie, after all) and I stagnate dreaming of being better.

I wrote out my New Year’s Resolutions yesterday and they were the normal fare I set out for myself each year.  A basic “do better” laundry list.  My theme, as stated in my last post is to “Move Forward”, but move forward to where?  Like a road trip, goals need a destination.

This is my destination….of course now, I need to rework my NYRs to help me THRIVE instead of just survive.

A New Dawn, A New Day And I’m Feeling

This is what I saw standing on the train platform this morning.  It brightened my spirit immensely.

New day+New month+New Year=New Year’s Resolutions!!!

Obviously, one resolution will be blogging more.  Reality has been bumping up against my perceptions (or delusions) and has been causing a boat load of issues I keep trying to crochet away.  It may not solve my problems but at least I end up with some pretty (or outrageously obnoxious) blankets to give away at Christmas.

Not only have I not been blogging, I’ve not been journaling either.  I have been writing or rather editing and reading my work…..imagining depths to the prose beyond the simple story to prop up my confidence to keep moving forward. 

Keep moving forward.  The theme for my new year.  Wish me luck!

Reflecting on Life: A Robin’s Journey to Freedom

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This isn’t my photo. I found it on BlueSky. It just spoke to me. The single branch swamped in dark water with a single red breasted robin on it’s arthritic finger. It is a story of rebirth, renewal and recovery from a dark and solitary life to the freedom of a bird to soar on the winds of time. Too dramatic? Possibly. I just really like this picture, it gives me hope.

The Cutest Ducklings Welcome Spring

A group of five ducklings swimming in a pond with rippling water reflections.

Spring has officially sprung when you see more ducklings in the pond than ducks. Happy Spring!

Eviction Day

Well, I did it. I finally finished the third book in my trilogy. I can now evict the people who have been squatting in my head for the last, what feels like, 100 years. The time differential between the time I wrote it (March 1 until April 8) feels like the whole eighteen months which elapsed on paper. I realize a lot of my anxiety from the pressure of time was from the fictional days flying off the imaginary calendar, not the real one. I wrote close to 500 pages in about 40 days. It’s both amazing and dumbfounding and makes me wish I could just sit and write for a living. Adventures in publishing awaits; Any advice?

Crossing Signal

Twelve days ago I upped my Welbutrin by 50%.  I explained to the teledoc I wanted her to increase it by 100% but to do it with 50mg tablets.  Aparently, that’s illegal.  Learned something new. 

I started the 150mg and waited for my brain to accept and become comfortable with the saratonin level rising.  In twelve days I’ve taken my meds maybe eight times and it’s not sending a consistent signal. 

There was the initial placebo-effect knowing help was coming and the constant hoovering-up of the happy chemical would be able to play longer on the gray matter would become reality…..then hope faded and the darkness reasserted itself and I’m compounding the signal by skipping a dose every few days. 

To avoid fault at all costs, I’m thinking my emotional brain is sending the signal it wants relief where my pragmatic brain is countering the signal with….now you have to take responsibility and do something about all the things the depression has kept you from doing.  That thought exhausts me when I see everything I’ve been avoiding.

I think the signals need to be flooded with saratonin so switching to my old dose and taking two might keep the signals from crossing and confusing me….What do you think?

Snow of Blossoms

I love how, when the blossoms fall it looks like snow but smells like a bubble bath.

Lavender Love

I love the color of lavender.  I love the smell of lavender. I love amethyst because it reminds me of lavender.  I wear a small raku bottle around my neck filled with lavender essential oil when I travel to keep me calm.  This is the balm my soul often craves.  And whenever I see it in a garden I feel all the love at once.

Feathered Friends

It’s always good to have someone watch your back while you push forward, but precious is the friend who watches your front so you can rest. Thank you to all my friends who have done this for me. 

(Did you notice the decoy duck next to the sleeping duck?  I don’t know if that was human made as a joke or ducks made to let the humans know it was a sleeping cove and to be quiet.  My money is on the ducks.)