Dream a Little Dream

I have always had vivid dreams. I think of it as the wellspring of my creativity and imagination. You know, if you dream it you can do it. Unfortunately flying is still only capable in a plane, but I love flying in my dreams. It means you’re happy. I haven’t flown in months. What I don’t normally have are nightmares. Dreams where you are so relieved when you wake up and realize it isn’t true, when you have to repeatedly assure yourself ‘the monsters aren’t real’. I realize now that writing in my journal on Saturday defining my current mental state and having a frustrating conversation about my mother and brother with my sister the night before might have been enough to crack open the door of darkness.

The Dream

I was with my mother again and she was ordering me around like a five year old. I felt compelled to move around boxes, like wood shipping cartons, in a storeroom to “straighten things up”. The containers were too heavy, too over my head and the utter helplessness made me feel too weak to tell the monster of my dream “No, I don’t want to”. I was plotting to let one of the oversized vessel fall carelessly on my forearm and I could vividly envision the ulna and radius shattering about one third of the way up my right arm; essentially hurting myself to escape the situation I was in. I was successful at talking myself out of it because there was the an urgency of having to have to move in a set amount of time oppressing the whole psychodrama. I felt as trapped as I was when she was alive. Back at the time I didn’t realize I was feeling trapped because I committed to taking care of her, I just felt tired and drained. Not knowing I was trapped it never occured to me to gnaw off my leg to get away because it would be better than to be dead. I was trapped again, I was terrified and I couldn’t find a way out. Then I woke up.

My Interpretation

  • The boxes: Boxes that are out of the way, tucked high on shelves in a dark warehouse-y environment I see as the major issues I still need to address in therapy. They were on huge gorilla racks and I needed an industrial step-ladder on wheels to reach them. The shelves below were empty. There was trash on the top shelves around the boxes I was able to remove but trying to get my arms around these sharp edged monstrosities was not really an option. I’m not sure I was able to even shift them on the shelf much less navigate them to break just my arm, I did try. Luckily unsuccessfully.
  • The Warehouse: This is rather obvious, but the portion of my subconscious where I store all the things I don’t/can’t deal with right now.
  • The Shelves: The lower shelves were empty. To me, that is a confirmation of the work I have completed. I have done a lot of work. However, I have done the stuff that was in reach, the more recent trauma/drama of the last, I dunno, fifteen years or so. Having made the room, maybe that means I can move the bigger boxes down to the lower shelves and spread out the items in the box one by one. This would negate the need to accidentally lose control of the box and break something in an act of defiance and avoidance.
  • The Trash Around the Boxes: I’m not completely unaware of the storage facility in my subconscious. I know there are big things in there that need to be addressed. Since the lower shelves are clean I keep making a superficial attempt at moving the boxes around to make it look like I am working on it. Its like I can’t open those boxes until everything in my life is perfect. I need to stop studying the trees with a magnifying-glass and take in the scope of the forest ahead of me. I have tools, whether they are strong enough to fell trees we will see.
  • Mom: Other than being the general dragon in my dreams, trapping me and stripping me of all power, I don’t think she has any more weight in my dream than that. I believe your subconscious pulls the best characters in your mind to put on the scariest, freakiest and most unsettling drama it can to both scare you away from what it’s protecting and yet to encourage you slay the dragon.

what’s Next

I don’t know if it needs to be said, but I need to slay the dragon, (overcome my fear), bring the boxes down to a safe and comfortable working height (figure out and deconstruct the hidden trauma) and then store it in the light and close down the hidden place where only trauma dares to tread (bravely confront the past injuries, resolve the confusion, and end the subconscious suffering to move forward).

Psyche Stew

I realized yesterday I am stewing in anger…..not drowning in it like before…..but stewing in a thick savory broth of anxiety with juicy pieces of frustration at myself and the world. Quartering my accomplishments like new potatoes into my “inabilities”; not being able to or have a way to take care of myself, to think clearly, to get a job, to pay my bills. With some self-assessed failure and corresponding flagellation like peas and carrots in one big InstaPot life.

What this means is I am going back to the basics, the meat and potatoes if you will, of my recovery and try to gain the ground I’ve lost. I haven’t really lost it, I know where it is, I just need to deconstruct the stew, portion it out into easy-to-deal-with sizes, and trust in myself and God that this isn’t my last supper.

The Birthday Blues ~ Early

Although no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start now and make a brand new ending.

Carl Bard

My birthday is close to the middle of July and traditionally a few days before and a few days after I’m moody. I’m a Cancer, I’m moody. Honestly, moody is my default setting in July. But it’s June. It’s the end of June but it doesn’t make it any less June. The evil Pixie has been telling me I’m almost 60, I’m unemployed, I have four years before I retire and then what am I going to do? My writing career is a blog no one reads and a few unfinished manuscripts with plenty of good intentions to wrap it up in a bow but it’s not a solid retirement plan. I’m going to have to work upto a week or two before I die, or so is the current plan.

To distract myself from the tears I got a notification a friend of mine had posted something on her facebook page and I was curious. I read the post, and it was a happy little thing about meeting up with people who put you on a path which positively changes your life for eternity, and I smiled. I scrolled down and the quote above by Carl Bard was tucked away few posts down and it was an ah-ha kind of moment. I can make a new ending. I don’t know how fabulously it will live up to my expectations, but I have to try…..I mean honestly, it’s not like I have much of a choice. It’s that or become destitute, live off my family and endure their barbed supportive comments or I can keep moving forward.

Speaking of moving forward…..

I did go on an interview today. I’m not sure I want the job, and I’m thinking I don’t have to take the job if it’s offered. I know that kind of contradicts the statement about living off my family, etc, but it’s sitting in front of monitors for 12 hrs a day. The only thing I liked about it was the 3 12hr. shifts per week so I would have four days off. It’s not sticking people with needles, but it’s just for a short time. I have another interview on the 5th. I’m not so worn down by the evil Pixie that I can’t put on a happy face and convince people I am more normal than I am (Being more normal than I was) and isn’t as draining as it was in the past. I was affable, confident and charming in the interview and I’ll hear Friday if I was convincing enough to get the job.

If the Blue Mood keeps up though I’m going to add more Ashwagandha to my medication protocol until the birthday is over. I’m not planning anything with the family, and they rarely plan anything for me so I think I’m going to go to the beach somewhere and work in my journal. It’s been so long since I sat with my journal it should be a nice treat. I generally go through my goals for the year and adjust what needs to be change, prune what is overreaching and give myself a gold star (or a really nice dinner) for what I’ve accomplished so far in the year. That is the one thing that is absolutely spectacular about having a birthday in the middle of the year; it gives me a chance for a year-in-review and still have time to get it all done before the end….of the year…..not the final end….that hopefully is still evolving to something less blue.