So, I got new insurance after the old insurance took out a pound of flesh from my credit card (thank you congress for not supporting the ACA) and once I finally got things settled I found a doctor and made and appointment for the first available. They ask questions like: Do you have thoughts of harming yourself? Do you think of suicide? Do you feel hopeless? Now because of my honesty, I’ve had one social worker call me to make sure I have access to the suicide prevention line. I’m waiting for another one to call me about……I dunno. They did assign a psychiatrist but I won’t talk to him until June (My appointment was at the end of April). They need a box for yes, but I know better.
I told the truth, or my truth for that time. I was tired of fighting the good fight and being a burden to everyone in my family, and I want it to end. I won’t lie, there are some mornings when I wake up and realize I am failing at EVERYTHING and I don’t want to ever leave my bed again. The panic alone at the thought of starting another day is enough to hide under the covers for protection from the world.
But I don’t. I know it’s temporary and I know I just need to take my meds and wait the thirty minutes or so for the meds to calm my anxiety and brighten my mind. I know this. I know there is a way out of this darkness. Finding the energy to do something other than huddle in my room with Sammy and apply for jobs I won’t get and doom scrolling isn’t helping.
I’m not back in the void. I’m not, I’m not, I’m not!!!
Most days I’m in a mental state of ‘meh’. I go through the motions of what I need, ignoring what I want and trying to do something productive in my tiny world. I am reaching out socially. I started Stitch and Resist with another person in the TRAC Group (Tracy Resistance and Coalition) and I’m going to share it with SURJ. It is way to find people who are struggling with the anxiety inducing climate of the day and try to do something positive. I’m going to a movie on the 23rd with a bunch of rabid Star Wars fans. I’m having the second Stitch and Enrich at church on Saturday where I’m going to teach crochet to any of the women who want to learn. I want us to make blankets/hats/sweaters/whatever to give to either the homeless, the premature babies at the hospital or for the farmworkers who have to shelter in place because of ICE. I’m still doing all of this in the same state of ‘meh’. Is that normal? Is that fine? I dunno. Honestly, right now I’m alive, I’m trying and I’m working on it. And feeding an unhealthy addiction to cookie butter.
Blogging From The Void 