Tag: #mandalorianandgrogu

Thriving In Action

This is my mission statement for 2026:

One of my action items to prove to myself I’m thriving was to have quarterly get-your-ass-out-of-the-house things to do. My first one was Between the Lines. A play in Castro Valley, CA which was directed by a coworker at One Medical. It was a sweet story of a girl trying to fit in and the characters in a book who were refusing to let that happen. It was a sweet story that touched on some deeper subjects like the importance of fathers in their child’s life and a single-mother’s struggle when he doesn’t. The importance of friends and acceptance in life. But in general, it was fun, well thought out and staged. I walked away from the play lighter of heart and desperate to be able to see better.

Saturday, the 23rd. I singed up to go see Mandalorian and Grogu with a theater full of rabid Star Wars fans. People dressed up and strangers talked to strangers. I won a trivia book for all the Star Wars movies. I am a fan of anything space based, I realized. I loved the TV show The Mandalorian because I would come home from work exhausted and sit on my bed and watch and episode or three and Sammy, who was pissed off at me because I was gone the whole day, would sit on the bed and watch with me. Not cuddle, just watch. I think she had a crush on Grogu: he was small and green too. It endeared the show to me. And the violence. I do love me some fictional, unrealistic violence.

I’m already planning my third outing, I want to go to the opera for my birthday. My birthday being in the middle of the quarter. I can’t afford the choice tickets my friend used to buy but I’m going to go to a matinee on a Saturday and hope there will be tickets available for the cheap seats at cheaper than face value prices. There is Manon and Tosca coming up for that time frame. I’ve seen Tosca but not Manon. I’m looking for a CD player at thrift stores so I can prep by listening to the CDs. I don’t use a streaming service and I mostly listen to books in the car, so my life has been something of a musical desert. I love the way Opera makes me take deep breaths with the arias and then float away on the high notes. It’s very calming.

I realized I’m picking outings where we are all there for a uniform experience. I’m not really ‘socializing’ but going somewhere without someone is a really big step for me. My sisters don’t like musical theater and science fiction/fantasy doesn’t really interest them. The difference between the the first two is the opera will have alcohol, which adds a scary element in the mix for me. I really never figured out why. You just can’t trust people when they drink. There is no argument you can make that will make me believe otherwise. But we are all still there for a civilized cultural experience. My last one might need to be to a Faire (Ren, Dickens or Psychic) where everyone is doing what they want and I need to participate in something other than shopping. If I don’t get a job any time soon, I won’t be able to participate in anything at all. (Sigh).

I’m proud of myself. Even if these are baby steps compared to what my life used to be when I was younger and not terrified of the outside world. I’m happier and safer in bed, but that’s not how life is lived. It’s not how to thrive.

The Consequence of Truth

So, I got new insurance after the old insurance took out a pound of flesh from my credit card (thank you congress for not supporting the ACA) and once I finally got things settled I found a doctor and made and appointment for the first available. They ask questions like: Do you have thoughts of harming yourself? Do you think of suicide? Do you feel hopeless? Now because of my honesty, I’ve had one social worker call me to make sure I have access to the suicide prevention line. I’m waiting for another one to call me about……I dunno. They did assign a psychiatrist but I won’t talk to him until June (My appointment was at the end of April). They need a box for yes, but I know better.

I told the truth, or my truth for that time. I was tired of fighting the good fight and being a burden to everyone in my family, and I want it to end. I won’t lie, there are some mornings when I wake up and realize I am failing at EVERYTHING and I don’t want to ever leave my bed again. The panic alone at the thought of starting another day is enough to hide under the covers for protection from the world.

But I don’t. I know it’s temporary and I know I just need to take my meds and wait the thirty minutes or so for the meds to calm my anxiety and brighten my mind. I know this. I know there is a way out of this darkness. Finding the energy to do something other than huddle in my room with Sammy and apply for jobs I won’t get and doom scrolling isn’t helping.

I’m not back in the void. I’m not, I’m not, I’m not!!!

Most days I’m in a mental state of ‘meh’. I go through the motions of what I need, ignoring what I want and trying to do something productive in my tiny world. I am reaching out socially. I started Stitch and Resist with another person in the TRAC Group (Tracy Resistance and Coalition) and I’m going to share it with SURJ. It is way to find people who are struggling with the anxiety inducing climate of the day and try to do something positive. I’m going to a movie on the 23rd with a bunch of rabid Star Wars fans. I’m having the second Stitch and Enrich at church on Saturday where I’m going to teach crochet to any of the women who want to learn. I want us to make blankets/hats/sweaters/whatever to give to either the homeless, the premature babies at the hospital or for the farmworkers who have to shelter in place because of ICE. I’m still doing all of this in the same state of ‘meh’. Is that normal? Is that fine? I dunno. Honestly, right now I’m alive, I’m trying and I’m working on it. And feeding an unhealthy addiction to cookie butter.