Writing my way from darkness back into light
I love birds. I keep walking a path in a town over that really isn’t doing anything for me any more because of the ducks. I love the way the one feather on this ducks tail curls up in opposition to the perfect conformity of the rest of her body. Perfection, im learning is overrated.
Saw this beauty while going through the drive-thru to get my soda. It was just sitting there hanging out. I rolled down the window and got it. Beauty is everywhere. What a wonderful blessing!
The picture doesn’t do the radiance of the poppy justice. It glowed incandescent in the sunshine. I was completely transported when I saw it.
I’ll admit it, I’ve been struggling. I’ve been fighting the good fight for weeks but today the void is sucking me back in. Yesterday I realized I was doing it to myself and I need to stop…..but I’m having too much fun!!
I’ve been free writing again. I’m blissfully living in the space between my ears. I broke one book I wrote (Heart of My Mothers) into a trilogy. The original was too dense because I wanted my character to grow and experience life adjacent to the plot. My readers liked the story but it was suggested I break it up into three books so I could bring in more detail.
The problem? I still have to live in reality. I still have to drag myself out of bed every day and face the world. I still have to take my medication. I still have to apply for jobs. I still have to go on interviews. I still have to remind myself death isn’t a solution.
This morning, by the time I convinced myself to get up (It took an hour today), take my meds and feed my bird I was crying. My reality is just really hard right now. I’m looking for glimmers, I’m walking more than I have to (goal is three times a week) and I still feel like I’m failing. Failing crushes me.*
My character isn’t failing. She fabulously wealthy, she’s popular and she’s the hero in her own story. I’m poor, few people know my name and I’m trying hard not to be the villain. Is there any doubt why I want to live there?
So, right now I’m straddling these two worlds. The endorphin rush from creation strips the serotonin on my brain. Low serotonin makes me want to escape into the story. I don’t know how to heal the schism without tearing me in two.
So I bought yarn.
Any suggestions?
* I know this is wrong thinking. I feel like Sisyphus constantly pushing the right thinking up an impossible hill only to get flattened when the rock rolls over me.
I made it through Girl Scouts to being a Senior Scout. Seeing the flag wave in the breeze is one of the most patriotic site there is. Long may she wave.
I didn’t see this on my walk but watching it on @fatpompoms was so satisfying. I crochet, I over buy yarn, it happens. I create ginormous balls….
And with this ball I made this…..
I think the next ball will be a pompom.
I look at puddle reflections and my mind sees a portal to another reality. I used to create elaborate world to escape to. I could lose myself for hours. Now, I look at the portals and see the refection of where I am and I’m grateful I’m not seeking an escape. Progress?
I love the saturation of the color on the orange and it reminds me that all the work I’ve done with my roots has brought forth strong limbs that has born beautiful fruit.
The color attracted me. Its like purple with a green undertone. Then I realized it represented how insidious depression can be. I broke a long time ago and I’ve been putting the pieces back together wanting to be whole and then a hidden root wiggles it way though a crack to remind me I’m not. The positive take-away from this image is just a little concerted effort and the little tendril of doubt/sadness/darkness can be yanked out and the crack repaired. All it takes is constant vigilance.
Christmas trees are lovely things and they bring to memories of happy times. But it’s MARCH. This just made me think of “Better Late than Never”.
Blogging From The Void 