I feel like I’m devolving into a puddle of goo. I’m shaking, implosion seems eminent and sleep doesn’t help. But then I’m not supposed to be sleeping….I’m supposed to be shopping, cleaning, organizing, learning, writing the ending of my finished novel (House of Dragons) and working on a general editing pass at my other one (Hearts of The Mothers) for NaNoWriMo instead of writing something novel. All I feel capable of doing is sitting and trying to keep my heart from bounding out of my chest.
Okay, maybe I’m expecting too much from myself the first day of unemployment and I did want to take today easy, but then I feel like I’m about to have a heart attack, problems breathing, heart pounding etc. So I checked my stress level, which I figured would be low because I am on my blood pressure pills but it read 86% which, in the meters terms, is extreme. I checked my blood pressure and it was 131/76 with a heart rate of 86. So I did what any off-cetnerly sane person would do….I took something from my anxiety collection and I’m hoping the weaker compound will do me okay. I need to get back to putting that in my morning pills. It’s not like I have to worry about falling asleep at my desk any more, but apparently I need them.
I think also the collapse of my schedule has something to do with it. I need to start a new schedule and commit to it as if it were a work schedule. It’s so hard to commit to something that doesn’t have a prod to go with the carrot, or in this case the carrot is the freedom to write not money. I need to get up, do whatever work I need to do around the house and then LEAVE home and follow my plan as outlined. I realize that I need to put the plan in writing, work on a check off system and just keep moving forward as much as my body/mind/soul will allow me. Not knuckling under their weight but using it as a counterbalance to propel me forward. Which honestly sounds all pretty and easy….on the screen….but in the end I just need to suck it up and get it done.