I feel like I’m devolving into a puddle of goo. I’m shaking, implosion seems eminent and sleep doesn’t help. But then I’m not supposed to be sleeping….I’m supposed to be shopping, cleaning, organizing, learning, writing the ending of my finished novel (House of Dragons) and working on a general editing pass at my other one (Hearts of The Mothers) for NaNoWriMo instead of writing something novel. All I feel capable of doing is sitting and trying to keep my heart from bounding out of my chest.
Okay, maybe I’m expecting too much from myself the first day of unemployment and I did want to take today easy, but then I feel like I’m about to have a heart attack, problems breathing, heart pounding etc. So I checked my stress level, which I figured would be low because I am on my blood pressure pills but it read 86% which, in the meters terms, is extreme. I checked my blood pressure and it was 131/76 with a heart rate of 86. So I did what any off-cetnerly sane person would do….I took something from my anxiety collection and I’m hoping the weaker compound will do me okay. I need to get back to putting that in my morning pills. It’s not like I have to worry about falling asleep at my desk any more, but apparently I need them.
I think also the collapse of my schedule has something to do with it. I need to start a new schedule and commit to it as if it were a work schedule. It’s so hard to commit to something that doesn’t have a prod to go with the carrot, or in this case the carrot is the freedom to write not money. I need to get up, do whatever work I need to do around the house and then LEAVE home and follow my plan as outlined. I realize that I need to put the plan in writing, work on a check off system and just keep moving forward as much as my body/mind/soul will allow me. Not knuckling under their weight but using it as a counterbalance to propel me forward. Which honestly sounds all pretty and easy….on the screen….but in the end I just need to suck it up and get it done.
I miss Sammy. I miss the way she says ‘Hello’ in the morning, or says “By by” when I leave but mostly I miss knowing there is one living, breathing person* in the house that loves me unconditionally even when she bites me.
Mom and I have plastered over the dings in each others walls, though I didn’t hurl anything heavy, she took asserting my boundaries as a direct hit and then taking Sammy away so she wouldn’t breathe in her feathers as a killing blow. Covering the wounds works like turning off the lights instead of doing the dishes….if you can’t see it, it never happened. I was told that I was breaking a dying woman’s heart by taking Sammy to my sisters, but if Mom truly is allergic to her feathers then taking Sammy out of the house was the only recourse. It’s not like I would allow her to live outside even if she could. It is still seen as an intentional, malicious action against my mother, which was not my intent, and I tell her I don’t intend on having Sammy stay away forever. I’ve ordered air filters/purifiers/cleaners for her room and the family room and once she can breathe okay I will bring Sammy home as a test. Mom on the other hand feels she will never be able to be in the same room with her again. It is her way of bluffing my bluff, to see who could last the longest without her. Well, not to be too macabre or put too fine a point on it, I’m the one that can live longer without her. That’s not why I’m not going to buckle to her will, or maybe it is, I dunno sometimes what is going on in my head. In a lot of ways I’m still very angry at my mom for the way she treated me, talked to me, acted towards me, and yet knowing that it’s coming from a place of fear and her interpretation of everything as pain she doesn’t know (or want to know) any better. I can’t change her, I can only change myself so she can no longer hurt me. But she made me cry this weekend, and honestly that seems to be the worst thing that she could have done. That was the start of her treating me better, she thinks she broke me. What happened was I didn’t have all of my social meds for the day and I crumbled a little but she’s taking it as a victory.
To help me overcome my loneliness and the fun in watching her, I bought a wifi camera that will allow me to log into it and I can watch her all day if I wanted to. I won’t, hopefully. But when I’m at home and in my room I can put it on my 24″ monitor and it would be like she was in my room with me. It just can’t get here fast enough!
*Sammy is a feathered person….and yes, I’m one of ‘those’ pet owners.
Raise your hand if you don’t think is a guilt trip…..
Yea, that’s what I thought.