Waiting For Sleep

I don’t know if it’s the medication, the stress, or pure unadulterated stubbornness, but I can’t sleep.  I’ve read for the past two and a half hours and my eyes just won’t do it any more.  I’ve queued up one of my most watched and favorite movies but I haven’t turned it on yet.  I don’t know if I want to sleep just yet.

Mom has been a little sick today.  Having just had the pacemaker to see her go back to the heaving (ewwlekeew) and wet strands of mucous draining from her mouth make me ill, but are an especially bad sign for her.  I thought the pacemaker would take care of it.  So, I’m worried.

I promised not to take a sleeping aid tonight, which is fine.  After the change of mental status after taking the last one, I’m thinking of just doing 1/2 of one from now on, and if I’m still having issues, I’ll take 1/4 and if still, then I’ll start brewing sleeping potion tea again.

I keep thinking that the sleeping problem is payment for sort of fibbing to my psychiatrist in order to get them for my sister.  She’s sorta attached to them and she doesn’t have the great insurance that I have.  (I think I just confessed to a misdemeanor…oops).  It’s not like it’s oxycoton or anything like that so I don’t feel so bad.  Anyway, you know Murphy’s law, you use your dying grandmother to get out of work for a day and then Grandma becomes critical and you can’t take the time off.

I’m also wondering if the lack of sleep is another fun side-effect of the higher dose of the Lexapro.  I’m at the max at 50mg per day.  Mom gave me her prescription of 10 mg so I don’t have to break a tablet in half every day, but I’m thinking to back myself down to 45mg a day and see if that will reverse the cheek numbing jaw clenching I’ve been doing and the sleeplessness that I can’t seem to find a cure of.

I’ve sleep deprivation issues before.  I would sleep and wake up between 4-6 times a night.  It got to the point that I saw big huge spiders crawling across the floor or up a wall, jump and turn only to find nothing.  I actually stopped driving because I wouldn’t see the cars driving in the lane I wanted to go into and just pull out and they’d “poof” appear.  I don’t want to go through that again.  I know part of this is that I’m worried for mom, but I was having issues before she went into the hospital.

The OCD, I realize, is where all my stupid rules come from.  My rule for staying up late is a fun one when you’re writing, so I’m not holding myself to it on these nights.  If I am up and awake at 4:ooam I have to stay up to greet the sunrise.  It’s a great rule when you’ve written the whole night and it’s like a victorious salute to the day because you beat the night.  I don’t have those rules now, it’s not a victory to have your body and brain refuse to let go of the day and make you go into the next day without needed rest and relaxation.  There aren’t pills big enough to slay the dragon I become after day two.

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