Writing my way from darkness back into light
This isn’t my photo. I found it on BlueSky. It just spoke to me. The single branch swamped in dark water with a single red breasted robin on it’s arthritic finger. It is a story of rebirth, renewal and recovery from a dark and solitary life to the freedom of a bird to soar on the winds of time. Too dramatic? Possibly. I just really like this picture, it gives me hope.
Spring has officially sprung when you see more ducklings in the pond than ducks. Happy Spring!
With e erything going on in the world, what would you wish for? It’s a fun thought experiment.
I love how, when the blossoms fall it looks like snow but smells like a bubble bath.
I love the color of lavender. I love the smell of lavender. I love amethyst because it reminds me of lavender. I wear a small raku bottle around my neck filled with lavender essential oil when I travel to keep me calm. This is the balm my soul often craves. And whenever I see it in a garden I feel all the love at once.
It’s always good to have someone watch your back while you push forward, but precious is the friend who watches your front so you can rest. Thank you to all my friends who have done this for me.
(Did you notice the decoy duck next to the sleeping duck? I don’t know if that was human made as a joke or ducks made to let the humans know it was a sleeping cove and to be quiet. My money is on the ducks.)
I love birds. I keep walking a path in a town over that really isn’t doing anything for me any more because of the ducks. I love the way the one feather on this ducks tail curls up in opposition to the perfect conformity of the rest of her body. Perfection, im learning is overrated.
The picture doesn’t do the radiance of the poppy justice. It glowed incandescent in the sunshine. I was completely transported when I saw it.
I’ll admit it, I’ve been struggling. I’ve been fighting the good fight for weeks but today the void is sucking me back in. Yesterday I realized I was doing it to myself and I need to stop…..but I’m having too much fun!!
I’ve been free writing again. I’m blissfully living in the space between my ears. I broke one book I wrote (Heart of My Mothers) into a trilogy. The original was too dense because I wanted my character to grow and experience life adjacent to the plot. My readers liked the story but it was suggested I break it up into three books so I could bring in more detail.
The problem? I still have to live in reality. I still have to drag myself out of bed every day and face the world. I still have to take my medication. I still have to apply for jobs. I still have to go on interviews. I still have to remind myself death isn’t a solution.
This morning, by the time I convinced myself to get up (It took an hour today), take my meds and feed my bird I was crying. My reality is just really hard right now. I’m looking for glimmers, I’m walking more than I have to (goal is three times a week) and I still feel like I’m failing. Failing crushes me.*
My character isn’t failing. She fabulously wealthy, she’s popular and she’s the hero in her own story. I’m poor, few people know my name and I’m trying hard not to be the villain. Is there any doubt why I want to live there?
So, right now I’m straddling these two worlds. The endorphin rush from creation strips the serotonin on my brain. Low serotonin makes me want to escape into the story. I don’t know how to heal the schism without tearing me in two.
So I bought yarn.
Any suggestions?
* I know this is wrong thinking. I feel like Sisyphus constantly pushing the right thinking up an impossible hill only to get flattened when the rock rolls over me.
I made it through Girl Scouts to being a Senior Scout. Seeing the flag wave in the breeze is one of the most patriotic site there is. Long may she wave.
Blogging From The Void 