We all know the basic truth of narcissism, the I Me Mine syndrome. Yet, I’ve learned (Okay from a rather dubious source) there is another side of the big N. The ever pressing need for approval and being liked. Sound familiar?? I’ve worked hard for people’s approval, their laughter, their acceptance and then, thanks to my lack of trust issues, I don’t believe it when they approve of me, laugh with me or accept me. Am I the antithesis of my mother? It seems logical if you live with a sucking black hole of need for most of your entire life (pathetic, I know), you’re going to be continually pulled on by their gravitational yearning for fulfillment. They never being able to be filled by your continual homage you rip from your soul to feed them builds the questions: Why aren’t I good enough? C is. S is getting there, but it seems like I will never be. That’s not Mom’s fault. That’s all mine. I need to fill my own needs, balancing the I Me Mine syndrome with this self debasing, self-sacrificing (not in a good way) need to gain love, approval and attention. I don’t need to step into the spotlight, but I don’t need to be the guy in the little alcove feeding lines and direction to the stars on stage either.
How is this going to help me in the end? How is this going to help me with my writing, other than the brutal honesty of just writing it? I dunno. It just struck me odd when I heard the second definition of narcissism on TV last night that it was me, I am a narcissist, just not a sucking void but a spewing void….a white hole, I believe is what they’re called in astrophysical circles.
This is something I’m going to have to discuss with Connie when I get my sessions back up and running now that I’m at work. I don’t want to be a narcissist. It’s a poisonous life to live. It’s like poison oak, it’s pretty when you come across it the first time, but as you make friends with it you find out it completely contaminates everything you own, everything you are, and nothing short of peeling off your skin will make the pain stop. I’m going to have to spend time with my journal on this as well….how can I stop it, how can I heal and how can I move forward are topics that need to be addressed. Hopefully I’ll be able to make time for that sometime soon.