I asked my best friend how long was it going to be before I could stop being disengaged from the world in order to figure out what is going on with ‘me’ and re-engage. She gave the best yet most frustrating answer, not quite as simply, it’ll take as long as it takes.
I feel like I’m an engine revving to go, waiting to engage the clutch to move the car forward and, like the novice standard transmission driver that I am, I’m terrified I’m going to pop the clutch and stall and hold up the world behind me. I have to do my work in Homecoming before I can safely venture out again, I know this, but at the same time, I’m afraid to actually engage those methods for fear what will float up to the surface. If I’m kept them so completely bound in my subconscious, why would I want to bring them up? What kind of moron would do that to themselves…..Of course, I’m the kind of moron that is willing to do this kind of work because, like the dragonfly before it’s metamorphosis, I’m tired of living my life surrounded by cold water, keeping me from actually engaging or feeling anything around me. I need to rip open my skin and let the wings emerge, and I can’t help but feel that it will hurt some, but like the dragonfly, it will be worth it. I just need to keep telling myself that….IT WILL BE WORTH IT.
In the mean time, I need to keep practicing letting the clutch in and out in first gear so when the time comes, and the light turns green, I can move forward into traffic and continue on my journey through this life without having to have to rebuild the emotional engine again.