The breath of negativity seems to be pushing against my resolve not to melt into a gibbering puddle of tears. Today, I’ve been told that my sister is ashamed of me, that I’m a hoarder who needs help and that since I didn’t make any money this year so I’ve lost my mothers exemption because I apparently am no longer worthy of it.
Okay, so I’m sensitive today. My teeth have been on edge all day, wanting to scream and run away. I’ve had images of sawing through my wrists again. My anxiety level is high, and I’m running low on my anti anxiety pills. The next few days are going to be an unmitigated joy. (That’s sarcasm, btw, in case you don’t read sarcasm fluently).
It didn’t help watching Hoarding: Buried Alive on TV today because Mom lost the remote in the garbage so we couldn’t change the channel. It taught me something though….Messy inside, messy outside – tidy inside tidy outside. I need to put more effort into keeping my surroundings neat and tidy, I know it’s something I need to learn to grow up and do, at least according to the blowhards that are content to sit back and judge me. Maybe I am being a big baby and I’m throwing a sort of rebellious tantrum, but F’em. I’m ging to go through the Bradshaw stages, starting with infant and work my way through to healing my wounded inner child back to being a wonder child and champion myself the way I never have been in my life. I am a loved daughter of God, and I am worth the effort and time this is going to take. So, yea, F’em. I’m not shameful, I’m not a hoarder and I don’t need the exemption. I don’t need them F’ing up my growth or their attempts to blow me off course.