I chatted with Dr. W the other day and he would like me to come in every day….he feels I’m a breath of fresh air. So, I’m doing well. Backing down the Lexapro from 50 back to 40 has relieved the tension in my jaw, something that I’m able to counter with carrot sticks and the Buspar is still keeping me from climbing out of my skin and keeping me from losing it when things get bad. So, I know IT’S NOT ME.
Mom on the other hand has decided to go off all psyche meds and feels the pacemaker will keep her sane. It might bloody well keep her sane, but it’s really messing with my wellbeing. I don’t want to be around her because I’m tired of feeling like I’m being used by her. If she’s trying to manipulate me into getting a job she’s winning. If she thinks I’m going to pay for a house keeper out of my money, she’s so not going to win that one.
I am feeling a little manipulated because she did a major one last night. I’ve been sick. She played sick all day too because I was. It’s either to make me feel bad and take care of her because she’s sicker than I am or she wanted to guilt me into doing the dishes with bleach because she wanted me to feel like I had poisoned her with the filth in the kitchen or that I don’t clean the dishes well enough to keep her well. So, I did the dishes, she still mewed about how sick she felt, how she didn’t think she could make it to Patrick’s dinner party and wanted me to go instead of her, I refused. I already told him I was sick and I couldn’t make it. She tried guilting me into going, tried bribing me into going, then Patrick called and said he couldn’t pick her up so I had to bring her. Finally she pulled the “what if I throw up and want to leave early” card and I gave in. She thought I didn’t want to go because I didn’t have the money to cover my bill. It turns out I do have the money, I just didn’t want to be trapped in the car with her and I wanted the house all to myself for an hour or two……
I’m stopping this now before I get all wrapped up in some sort of straight jacket of righteous indignation. I was manipulated which means I allowed it. She was doing what she does, it’s my fault. I should be pissed at myself instead of at her. It’s just easier to blame her than to blame my screwed up internal wiring. If it’s her fault I don’t have to change. I need to change because I don’t want to be here any more. I don’t want to be treated like a servant and I don’t want to snap at her like she’s a burden. Currently, without her meds, she is a burden to me. I can’t to anything for myself without having to have to include her, or bring her along, or feed her the same things…etc. She wants to saddle her identity to mine and be what I am, but I won’t allow her to share in the identity I’ve had to struggle to form. Yes, she was never allowed that as a child, but honestly, neither was I. I’m trying to make this time a time where she can do that, find herself, for herself. I’m not willing to share mine.
I need to get back to reading on a daily basis, and writing on a daily basis too. I keep talking about spending the time doing 300 lines a day, but I’ve only done it once or twice. Mom needs me, yes, but she can’t have me all the time, I can’t handle it without her medication and I’m not going to put myself in harms way because she is messing with the mechanisms in our relationship.