Reading the Past

I just finished my job searching for today. I’m trying not to apply for everything all at once so I will have something to do tomorrow. Tomorrow is Saturday, and Saturdays are set aside to look for a gig job. So, I’m ensconced in my room surfing the job boards and I decided to update my last post I Do Declare with a new question they are using to flush out the weak from the heard of resumes and I started to look back through my posts.

Some basic facts I’ve gleaned:

  • 128 posts in all (129 with this one)
  • Started in May 2011
  • I was a very angry woman when I started
  • I’m well on my way out and away from the void at this stage of the game

Writing has always been my salvation. My journal a raft which has sustained me while adrift in the darkest of times. This blog is like a journal. I’ve used it as a repository for the emotions, the feelings (real and imagined) over the years when I didn’t have time, space or energy to do more than to name it. Naming the unknown steals its power. Additionally, making a joke about it takes a lot of the scary out of it. BLOGGING FROM THE VOID has helped me in more way than just being a vomitorium in times of need, it has been a window into the world where I can see my words are going out and might help someone else or just make them smile.

I am gratified by the voice I have developed through my writing. Though I dont always consider what I do here creative writing, more creative opening a vein, but my words are more mine and not the idelizations of a misplaced childhood. Life isn’t supposed to be easy, but the lessons are worth it, even if the lessons are seasoned with anti-depressant salts. The work is hard getting out of the void, exhausting even, but the work is worth while.

I said in the page about the blogger:

I’m currently unemployed, completely out of money, and am surviving by the grace of God, charity from the church and my family.

I’m going through another bout of  severe depression with severe anxiety with just a touch of OCD.

I’m determined to get for myself the tools to build a bridge out of this void so I don’t get sucked back in….ever again.

The Blogger, Blogging From The Void

I’m unemployed again but I am employable. I was then too, but I didn’t believe I was with anything because I was constantly being let go. I am, I hope, almost finished with the bridge with my tools to end this acute situation I am building a shed to house them in so it doesn’t happen again.

By no account is this a goodby for this blog. I just wanted to take a moment to recognize the work I’ve done, here and in my life and to thank the readers by virtue of just reading, have made me feel like I’m not in this alone. Thank you to all that have reached out in comfort and shared your experiences with me as well. The goals going forward is to read and review the books on my list, to continue to share my successes and near successes until I can say I am wholly and completely out of the void.

Awash in Ashwagandha

I promised myself when I finally hit the absolute minimum medication level I would start ashwagandha based on what I had heard about it. To be honest, I like the word too. When I wrote Uncomfortably Numb I essentially hit my absolute minimum and started taking Ashwagandha. Stupidly, or it would be if it wasn’t living up to the health store hype, I didn’t do any research before hand. Costco sells it, afterall, and they do what is the absolute most popular at all times.  I do know enough about herbs to know it’s not good to put something in your body without knowing what it is, does and can do.  Plus with the other drugs, for both psychological and physical ailments, not researching interactions for each and on the whole is again, stupid.  Well, stupid if it blows up your face.  Absolutely brilliant if you can jump stressful buildings in a single bound and not even scrape your tushie on the pointy bits at the top.  Consider…..The move.  Quitting my job.  Working up until the move.   Having people touch my stuff.  Keeping my emotions in check.  Colonoscopy and biopsy results. I’m sure I can name a few other things, but those are the ones coming to mind at the moment. Though I felt the strain and my sleep was severely disrupted each night, I never not felt I couldn’t handle it. I would give that credit to God and Ashwagandha. Both got me through.

I found an article on Forbes Health: Seven Science-Backed Health Benefits of Ashwagandha. Not all of them apply to me, and I kind of wonder what increased testosterone will do for my current health, I really don’t need more robust chin hair.

  1. Relieves stress and Anxiety. YES IT DOES!!! The adaptogenic qualities of this herb live up to it’s billing. When I first took the pills I got from Costco (Youtheory) I wanted to slow down my heart rate and maybe eliminate the paplaptations. I noticed a drastic difference when I started taking it, however it didn’t make it go away. When I was focusing on other things, like what I was supposed to be doing, I didn’t notice it. My sleep was deeper, though still fitful and once I woke up around 2:30am I tended to stay awake. But I felt stronger for the sleep and rest I did get. I guess you can say the rope got longer and the knot at the bottom bigger and sturdier with Ashwagandha.
  2. Lowers Blood Sugar and Fat. I wasn’t aware of this. When I had my fasting blood sugar before my colonoscopy it was in the 140’s which isn’t bad, but is high for a fasting blood sugar. I think I was still just taking the single dose in the evening when that happened. If it does lower fat and sugar, good since when I’m stressed sugar and fat become the two most important food groups for me, however, if the ameliorating of the anxiety and stress of the first benefit is in effect, I won’t need sugar and fat and it lowers my blood sugar and fat. So, this is just a happy side benefit.
  3. Increases Muscle Strength. This is awesome. You’d say that too if you had to hike 30+ boxes up 20+ steps over five days. That is not counting the things which didn’t fit in boxes or needed to be hauled up from shopping, etc. My thigh muscles should be so angry with me and refuse to get out of bed, my arms unwilling to support my hands to type but I haven’t had to stop. I pulled something in my back, but that was just imprudence in the way I was carrying things instead of doing too much. And even still, it’s not debilitating.
  4. Doesn’t apply.
  5. Doesn’t apply.
  6. Sharpens focus and Memory. I wasn’t aware of this benefit either. However, I have been constantly impressed with my memory of late and my ability to write during a stressful time when I normally spend more time hiding from it than embracing it. In times of trouble and stress I either become scattered like a dandelion in the wind or stymied and unable to move or function. I normally have to use psychic prybars to get my proverbial butt in gear. The stress of the move, of joblessness and so on, has been something I’ve been able to pick up, deal with and then move onto the next task. The ability to not just focus but to remember what I was focusing on is a boon of no little proportions. Of course I say this looking back through the filter of a grateful memory of living through it, at the time I wasn’t as composed and focused as I would like you to believe. However, being in less stressful situations without herbal help and being more scattered and less focused to compare to, I can honestly say it has helped tremendously.

So, during the move I was doubling the dose because if a little is good a lot is better. And it was better. But the article mentions “Larger doses may even trigger unwanted side effects, such as vomiting and diarrhea.” Now that I’m moved out of the apartment, or psychic hell hole as I prefer to call it, and almost completely moved into my room I have cut the dosage back to the 2 pills I’m supposed to take per the directions on the label. My sleep is starting to level off, according to my Oura ring, my heart rate is returning to a normal pace when I’m sleeping (85 bpm down to 69 bpm). The goal now is to get back to doing what is needful: prayer, scripture study, exercise, meditation and see if I can’t get some semblance of a schedule and normal life before I start work again. Sigh. Normally, the idea of this never ending habitrail hamster wheel I feel like we all endure fills me with anxiety but it’s just a sigh and a nod to the reality of what is and that I can do it.

Two Outta Three Ain’t Bad

Good news, great news and news yet to be written…..

1. Good News: I am moved. I did the walk through yesterday and turned in the keys. Twenty some odd years has been packed and stored or donated. Savers probably hates me right now.

2. News Yet To Be Written: I have about 30 boxes in the garage here to go through to get settled. I am just so tired of dealing with all of my stuff I just want to scream. I won’t, but I want to.

3. THE GREAT NEWS: I didn’t break!!!

Slip Sliding Away

It is just too easy to let go of all the structure and allow myself to slip back into disruptive and destructive habits when I’m beyond overwhelmed. I’m trying to move closer towards being ready to move and the harder I push the more appears that needs to be pushed, or pulled, or tossed or boxed. My last day of work is Thursday, my last day at this hovel is Saturday and then clean on Monday. It’s careening in on me and the people in me are screaming for attention because they are anxious, they are worried, they are excited and they are absolutely freaking terrified I will break again. I know this is a possibility, but I also feel in my heart of hearts (the one that isn’t racing or palpitating) if I break I will gather the pieces again, I will work the glue back into the shards and put myself back together again. Humpty Dumpty, eat your heart out!!