Tag: #Harlowthefinch

Pole Sitting

I’ve done protesting x3 and phone banking x2. I like protesting and, strangely enough, getting flipped off by passers by. Pole sitting originally was planned for the art fibers group I head called Stitch & Resist to sit with me at the poling place and crochet/knit/embroider or just sit and witness the voting, but mostly to be there and record any ICE shenanigans. That was the plan, but I got tangled up in my calendar, missed meetings and it never quite got off the ground. So, my alternative was to sit in my car at a single poling place and watch for the aforementioned shenanigators and be there to record them from the comfort of my car. While I crochet. Nothing has happened as of yet. I was there from 7:45 am (after I personally cast my ballots) until about 2:00pm because my car didn’t come with bathroom facilities and I desperately needed water. My whole body goes weird if I don’t get my daily 160+ ounces. I’ll head back out around 4:00pm to sit at the same poling place…in the car. On my way in to the house for the bathroom I heard I was doing it wrong. I’m supposed to be a happy cheery shiny example in the poling place. Nope! I need the security blanket kind of comfort from my car.

There have been incidents with ICE at the poling places. Two to be exact. One the TPD was helping them which is against the city rules I’m told so if we see that again we need to take a picture. The other was just an empty ICE vehicle. Not scary, on paper. I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to be a bystander who does nothing. This is rankling my anxiety – obviously – but that is the purpose of these outings. I’m trying to learn to be braver than I think I am. If I can slowly ramp up to something more useful. I’m tired of being afraid and hopeless.

We the people, I have learned, are not powerless even though the kakistocrats want you to believe we are.. Example: I took to personally boycotting Target with others in the US because of their involvement with ICE. I have found other places who need the money more than that ubiquitous retailer. In a SURJ meeting I heard they lost money. They reported a negative profit for the quarter. I hope they have it for the happiest season of the year too!

Through all this I have been listening to myself and what I feel comfortable doing, instead of just ‘pushing through’. Yes, it gets done either way, but I don’t want to go back to gritting my teeth and doing it only to boomerang back into the dark rim of the void. I am learning to say ‘no’ to them. I’m willing to push my limits and comfort zone on my terms. My New Years Resolution for this year was to attend a protest, do phone banking and go door-to-door. I still have to go door-to-door and I’m not sure that’ll get done before the end of the year. I do know phone banking is easy and you can have some interesting conversations but it is not for me. I don’t even know why it’s not for me, it’s just not. Most importantly I’m not taking it as a challenge I need to overcome, I can do other things. I am not required to do everything or anything beyond my capability. I am unique and I cannot compare myself to others. no matter how I compare with the capability of others.

Some of this new found confidence, I know, is from the “Finch” app. I’ve stuck with it for 161 days. I still don’t have any friends. Harlow is fully grown, she has an interesting wardrobe and a lot of cool decorations for her nest. Each week we are able to add tasks for the daily grind and I’m over 40 at this point. The thing is, I’m doing most of my morning things without thinking, I forget to put in my hearing aids most days but I know to go back and get them so I can grow my finch a millimeter more. This is a wonderful app. Does anyone want to be my friend (Harlow 7Q9WR39BGK)

As If & I Don’t Care

I was meandering through a journal entry yesterday. (Meandering is like a mash-up of free writing about a specific subject and stream-of-consciousness writing.) I wrote something that was both new and not new to me but I recognize it as my new norm. I was discussing the efficacy and practice of a mantra for love and worthiness.

I have come to the decision it doesn’t matter what I thing/feel/see when it come to my worth and, well, me. I am acting as if:

  • I’m worthy
  • I’m of value
  • I am talented
  • I am loveable
  • I am loved
  • I am sane

I wish I could act as if I was a size six but that would make me delusional. And I don’t want anti-delusional meds, so I won’t go there. 🙂 Or maybe instead of “As If” it’s more “I Don’t Care.” I don’t care what the evil pixie thinks of me, says to me or tries to trip me back into the darkness. I don’t care because I control my life. Yes, some days the pixie adds weight/dumbbells to my emotional baggage I carry around but I get through and continue to go towards my goals. I lament my speed and compare it to the speed I should/could be going if I wasn’t bogged down by the dead weight of my emotional dysfunction. I will continue to move forward one bag at a time, one inch at a time, one breath at a time.

Journal Entry from 06/06/26*

I keep waiting for ‘sanity’ to rise up and save me, I realize. Sanity isn’t a white knight to rush in an sweep me into the world of normalcy, like it’s a fairytale castle. I am the princess and the dragon in my own fable, I know that. I have the tools I amassed through therapy, and perhaps my shed could be larger for storage of the excess baggage I carry, but even with the baggage, I am not without the ability to tilt at my own monsters. When I get tired, and my guard is down, the pixie uses the shadows in my brain to creep up and discourage me. “As if” adds light to those times, but it still feels like I’m still giving the darkness power. “I don’t care” feels like the ball is in my court and though I might foul or make the basket, it is in my hands not in something else’s.

I have bee using a self-care app called Finch. It’s like Tomagachi (electronic pet from the 00’s) got it’s MFT in CBT. I’ve not been doing it long, Tuesday will be two weeks, but it’s simple. It allows me to track my mood and name my emotions when I need it and I can look back over weeks and see my progress. I’ve only told two people I’m doing it so I don’t have a lot (or any) friends on the app. Which is fine. My Finch’s name is Harlow. At night, just before I put my head down I do three minutes of breathing designed to help with sleep, and it does. I get up with a plan and I follow through because I want to mark everything off that list. But it is something you do every/other day/week/month kind of thing. I like it right now, so if you’re looking for something to help you track and prove you are just getting through some days, there is an app for that. If you join, please be my friend: 7Q9WR39BGK.

* My journal entries tend to jump from one thought to the next without grace, so please forgive if the quote seems a little jittery. I could have corrected it but that would defeat the purpose of quoting the journal.