Well, I’ve been gone. I choose to blame my itty-bitty computers hesitation to merge onto the virtual highway. It was far more work than I felt I could deal with most times…..and sometimes just getting back into the habit of facing my feelings into the ether.
So, for the feelings…..
I am still on the light side of the void, skipping along the bleeding edge of it, but I’ve not fallen back in. I still have hope, I have dreams….reachable ones…..so I’m okay…or fine as we the afflicted say. At least there is more hope and dreams to keep me from surrating my self to la la land. That said I’m tired, I go through times of anger and frustration and then a affectless dumbness that feels like home. I’ve gone down on my meds, then gone up a little, but I think it’s time to bring it down again, which means more unruly feelings to tangle with. I’m not looking forward to dealing with that, but that is the goal…to feel.
Time seems to be pressing down on me, like time is running out with it’s fading ticks and tocks using my spine as a xylophone so I feel intimately the menacing vibrations throughout my whole body. I wish I could put the world on hold while I go through the last of this never ending form of self/family/friends/world analysis. I’m trying of trying to figure out if this is something I should be doing, if I’s where I’m supposed to be, if it’s where I’m supposed to go……and knowing this job that I’m doing isn’t done until it’s done, but needing to get out and getting a job, terrified I will melt into a shadow of myself if I get another fulltime job. Yes, I will have more help this time, but will I, really?
My new plan terrifies me. The plan is to get a stay-at-home job, working on customer support or something like that…I have a computer that can keep up with me now, and I have a monitor and I can make the office space in my room comfortable and ergo-safe the only problem is my desk is in the same room with my bed and the safest place I know t be is in my bed.
Maybe I am back in the darkness…I dunno. Trying not to obsess about myself online only made me obsess about myself in the fog of life and only scared myself more. All the while there is this subsonic rumble coming at me from all directions….Tick…Tock….Tick….Tock.