In a lot of ways I’m still trying to stop the slip so please bear with me, I’ve tried to write this a few times and it just comes out in disjointed gibberish. I will try to keep everything as simple as I can without too much fluff, which is when I get generally get lost.
I don’t remember what day last week I slept through my early AM pills. Because it was late I didn’t take them but I did take the one I should have taken after breakfast. It had been close to a full week since I was taking all my meds early, morning and evening pills. I was barely holding on.
Tuesday I finished my CNA course and we had a certification program where we were all presented our papers which is my ticket to take the state test to start a new path. It wasn’t that big of a deal to me until it was. I made a point of getting a picture so I could put it in my journal. I looked horrible. The crush of the room was bothering me and ramping up my already jarred psyche so when it was over and the eating began I left. I knew if I started to eat I wouldn’t stop and no one and nothing would be spared. And there was food waiting for me at home and I could binge to my hearts contempt. What I forgot to mention is that though I laid out my meds the night before, I didn’t take them…..and you can repeat that all the way to Saturday morning but by then it was too late.
Thanksgiving for my family was on Friday. I was in a full blown anger hurricane and no one was safe. I stayed in the corner and pretended I was ‘tired’….well, tired of all of them. I ate only what I wanted; turkey, potatoes and dressing. I was kind to the kids, although the youngest was put on my lap and when he felt the disruption in my aura he began to cry and try to get away from me….I really couldn’t blame him.
Saturday I took my pills again but my heart was racing, my breath was shallow, my blood pressure was all over the place and I just wanted to scream – I took a tranquilizer….and tranquil I did become. My emotions flattened out and I slept for three hours, but my mind still hasn’t returned, it still can’t grasp anything and hold onto it for a long time. Words slip off the tip of my tongue, ideas float just out of reach and my memory pulls up the wrong information and my mouth can’t stop it from tumbling out.
I’m back on my three doses a day. I don’t know if I need to continue to slip to get back down to stable ground or if I need to start the climb again to where I was. I just hope which ever it is it doesn’t take me back to a place I don’t want and can’t be again. If there is any take away from this whole hellish experience is: DON’T GO OFF YOUR MEDS. I’m not well, I’m not better, I’m not quitting.