So, yea, that’s what I’ve been doing in my long absence. It came to my attention that the chemical assistance I have relied on was failing me. Not totally, I was better. Really better. I didn’t want to kill myself, or anyone else. My work situation had improved, I wan no longer banging my head on a brick wall trying to do two different jobs, one with continually shifting rules so nothing was cut and dry. I was surviving, and I thought surviving was enough to be well. I couldn’t write, I couldn’t think to do anything beyond work and sleep. Mostly focusing on sleep…sleeping and eating. If I could combine the two I would have been in heaven. I lost my ability to pray beyond “Heavenly Father, please just get me through,” And He did. But nothing more.
Finally I broke. I realized what I needed to do was to get more drugs. Yes. I know, I am a walking pharmacy with the anti-depression, anti-anxiety, diabetes, high blood pressure, vitamins and workout supplements. Yes, I said workout supplements. I’ll get to that in another blog. I made an appointment to see my psychiatrist because he holds the prescription pad and talked to him about supplementing my already full pill sorter. He gave me Wellbutrin…the generic form of it anyway. All I’ve got to say is Dopamine is the fountain of youth for me. Whoever thought up that drug is a demegod, he/she should win the nobel prize in medicine. There are some things I’ve needed to adjust because of the side effects….like taking it at 5:00am or earlier every day, even the weekend. I had to up my fiber intake because though I’m moving, other aspects of my life really isn’t. But obviously, the side effects are NOTHING compared to the benefits of the drug. I truly am, right now, a perfect billboard for the axiom:
Better living through pharmacology.
So, is the coo-coo completely back in the clock? Does it still threaten to escape? Of course, but at least now I have the energy to chase the little bugger back to where it needs to be.
I did want to point out it has been three years this month that I started this blog. I truly did not want this process to take so long. Looking back now I realize how even if I wanted to “fix me” quickly the very nature of depression makes it difficult to move quickly for anything. Especially if it requires me to get out of bed. I can finally say, though, comfortably, I am out of the void and starting to get traction away from the gravitational forces that keep wanting to hold me down.