Let me just put this out there first: I am not a fan of tests.  Any tests.  All tests.  Even the funny ones that mean nothing.  I’m afraid they are going to reveal too much, like in school, that I’m stupid, or in the magazine, too scary.  Yep, that’s me, stoopid skary.  I’ve been learning about myself that I’m not stupid.  I passed my phlebotomy class and my licensing exam with minimal studying.  I still want to read the book to be sure that I have it down.  I just didn’t have the time or the bandwidth to do what needed to be done.  I could barely make it to school on time most days.

Then there are the tests you have to take to see where you are with a certain problem.  There aren’t any right or wrong answers so I try not to read the description of what the totals of different answers mean before I take the test to keep from trying to fit into a ‘norm’.  But, seriously, I can’t believe that I keep fitting outside the “you seriously need help” category as well.  For example, in the When Anger Hurts book I scored in the raging lunatic section, it was suggested I’d make a good match with Bruce Banner.  (If you don’t know that reference, shame, shame on you).

The latest test I took was for Bradshaw’s Homecoming.  Ten was the only number given, there weren’t any levels for “you’re doing well” or “Your F***ing Nuts!  Get your hug-me jacket and lock yourself in your room and we’ll pick you up momentarily”  It just said if you scored 10 or more you really need this book.  There were about 100 questions and I scored 31.5.  Yea, I know you’re wondering how I got a .5.  Some of the questions were items in my personality I already knew were  flawed and I had already started on working on them or, only half of it applied to me.  Stuff like anal and oral fixations I was a straight No but for the S&M question was a half because it looks like fun…well the roll-playing and bondage aspect of it looks fun, not the beating and humiliation part of it.  I’m not obsessed with it.  I guess that would be a no then, but it’s still an aspect of the demon so I figured it should be counted some how.

What frightened me were the sections I read after the test about emotional sexual abuse.   I have a lot of the signs Bradshaw is talking about.  I don’t know when or where it happened, and I really don’t want to know.  I’m hoping there is a way to fix it, or pave over it without having to have to have to exhume the bodies for proper disposal.  I don’t want to drill down that far into my psyche for fear of what else the action will dig up and need examination….or worse, it completely destabilizes the foundation and I just cave in, never being about to see the light of day again.