I’m still trying to bulldoze my way through the prologue of Homecoming by Bradshaw and it said something that pulled an interesting image up in my mind.
Erickson believed that every person has his own unique map of the world.
When I worked at the now defunct Sun Microsystems we had a trick-or-treat Halloween thing that was mandatory and my room were pirates. I made a treasure map and put it on my cube wall. I drew a free-form island and put in trees, huts, a volcano and so on and then a big X marking the spot. I drew a compass in the middle of the ocean and off into the edge I drew dragons with the warning “Yonder there be dragons,” I have a feeling that reclaiming and championing my inner child is going to be more like fighting dragons than I would like, but if fighting dragons means broadening my unique map of the world I think pushing my boundaries will be a good thing. As long as it’s not the Norwegian horn tail.
I’ve been in such a funk these past few days. I started reading The Homecoming by Bradshaw, I had some spare time in the early afternoon because I was between doctors appointments so I thought I would crack the book and see what is in store for me. I got a few pages into the introduction and I had to stop. Not just because they called my name but because I don’t think I could handle any more of hearing the letters these people were writing to their parents without pulling up the dregs of my own wounded child. In some regards I wasn’t as horribly treated as some, but some hit so close to home and stirred up other emotions and memories that I keep forgetting I’ve buried.
I’ve gone silent. Which in a way is good, I got some wholesale editing done today on my pinks but I’m not very talkative to Mom and she’s irritating me. She won’t shut up and let me just have the silence. She actually realized that I was trying to pseudo-nap today, what I call floating, that she needed to stop talking and trying to engage me into some form of conversation. I need to get back to the basics with my anger management and I think I’m going to put Bradshaw on a shelf and re-read When Anger Hurts and actually do the journal this time. I think I can handle adding the extra work onto my list of things to do.
What is annoying me is that this has been hanging on for two days now. Normally I shake it off and go on like nothing happened. I’m worried that I’m pushing back reading the book because I don’t want to dredge up the skeletons in my past and see them again, rotted flesh and vacant eyes, staring at me, accusing me for not protecting them when I was a child. I couldn’t, I was a child, but tell that to them.
My mind has been focusing on scenarios that are never going to happen again, and I can’t seem to derail them. It’s just the spinning and spinning and the whole “What would you do if-” BS that I don’t even need to waste my time on. It’s family stuff, it’s annoying and it’s really never going to happen….at least not to me.
In the mean time, Mom keeps asking me why I’m so quiet and I have nothing to tell her. She hasn’t done anything lately, all she did was leave a trail of dead bodies behind in my psyche that I need to give a proper burial to. I don’t think there is going to be an easy route through this part of my education….Damnit!
I’m putting my goals up for this week so I will be accountable. They might seem like small steps to the rest of the world, but I need the baby steps for now.
Intellectual – Reading Homecoming by Bradshaw
Work – Edit 300 lines a day and print up pink copies as I complete a chapter
Social – Do my visiting teaching
Physical – Work out on treadmills and elliptical 4x this week
Emotional – Write 3x in BFTV and 1 in PS, 1-2 journal entries
Diet – Eat more fruit
I’ll check in from time to time to update how this is going. Wish me success.