Raise your hand if you don’t think is a guilt trip…..
Yea, that’s what I thought.
Writing my way from darkness back into light
27 Sep 2014 Leave a comment
in Anger - Hanh, Necessary Losses, Random Voidness Tags: Anger, Frustration, Guilt Trips, Mothers and Daughters
Raise your hand if you don’t think is a guilt trip…..
Yea, that’s what I thought.
26 Sep 2014 Leave a comment
I Feel Tired
(sung to I Feel Pretty)
I feel tired, oh so tired
I feel cranky and grumpy and trite
And I pity
Anyone who talks to me tonight
I feel sluggish, oh so sluggish
It’s amazing how sluggish I feel
And so hollow,
I hardly can believe I’m real.
Who’s that tired girl in the mirror there
Who could that tired girl be,
Dark circled eyes,
Pale chapped lips,
Matted gray hair
Such a tired me!
I’m exhausted
And I’m sniping
Hiding in bed would be a great joy
If I don’t
Men with nets they will soon deploy!
21 Sep 2014 Leave a comment
in Education, Moving Forward Tags: random voidiness
I’m feeling a little deep today, wondering if I will ever get over this, whether I will ever be able to carry the load that I used to without getting overwhelmed and homesick for my bed. Staring out the window at our potato bush, watching the humming birds and the finches flying in to rest between meals. (We are *the* place to eat in the neighborhood for birds and squirrels) These birds are so delicate they can barely move the long new-growth branches that have grown back after the gardeners last crew cut. A bird, bigger than a finch, rounder than a sparrow, marked like a starling on it’s chest, but too small for being a starling flew at one of the branches, grabbed on and bent the perch over. Confidently he held on and the branch stabilized.
So, what does this mean to me:
18 Sep 2014 Leave a comment
in OA, Random Voidness Tags: Facing reality, Growth, Home, Mothers and Daughters, Overeaters Annoymous, Work arounds
There is the quote by Emerson or someone famous like that:
“Your attitude determines your altitude,”
My attitude, then, has me tunneling through life. I know I’m tired, I know I’m a little burnt around the edges, but I don’t need to be so negative/nasty about they way I describe taking care of Mom. For example, people ask how I’m sleeping, and I tell them I’m getting used to hearing Darth Vader on the baby monitor…..again, an attempt at humor with the intent to let people know just how put upon I am. I wonder if this is something I do for everything? Do I make sarcastic and caustic jokes about things that I have committed to because I’m regretting the promise and not liking the work load? I don’t want to be seen as a victim, but when someone asks how I am, ‘fine’ doesn’t quite cover it. I want to warn them if they are younger than me to move close to a home where you can visit your difficult older parent daily, if you have always had problems being in the same room with him taking in your parent will not magically make you and her get along together. That is the mistake I made. You can’t make anyone change, you can only accompany them on their road and support them love them and be present for them. I need to stop telling people to move as far away from their parents, in an almost too small house or in a house close to an old folks home. I can refer them to read “Coping with Your Difficult Older Parent“. It helped in getting that aspect in my life put in it’s place so I could work on the anger, low-self esteem, eating compulsively, anxiety, depression, and everything else that I’ve been dealing with.
Okay, so changing my attitude with Mom should help me…. will help me. Even if it’s just adopted the words when someone asks how I’m doing, “Fine. Really, I’m fine” No snarky comments about Darth Vader, no side remarks about her attitude or her roid rage. Maybe I can shine up my personal reality by “Eliminate[ing] the Negative”