The Work Ahead

Okay, I’m reading Bradshaw and I’m getting into it and he starts talking about having to *have* to do the work in order to make it work.  I’m scared.  Not because I’m innately lazy, but because I’m afraid of what the work might dig up.  On paper, yea, I’m all for doing the work, making myself better, but on paper means I don’t have any real skin in the game.  On paper I’m an author, but in reality, I’m just a writer.  The reading of just the work to come makes me want to crawl into bed and hide from it all, but I don’t want to, I want to make my life better.

I’m going to talk to Connie about it tomorrow, to assure myself that the work ahead of me isn’t going to be as time-consuming, arduous and painful as I’m fearing it will be.  It probably will be, but I think I just need someone to lie to me so I can get started.

What I guess I’m really afraid of is crying.  I joke and say that crying is for sissies, but the ruth of the matter is I’m afraid if I start crying I won’t be able to stop.  Or I’ll have to explain to my mother why I’m not ‘happy’.  It advocates I shouldn’t be on medication so I’m not numb, but at the same time, I’m afraid of the anger, rage coming back before I get my grief work done.  Or worse, I do something to me before I get the work done.

I’ve come to realize, though I’ve fought it for so long, that I was  sexually molest as a child.  Not physically but emotionally, which, according to Bradshaw, is just as bad if not worse.  It explains the shame, it explains the fear of intamacy….and so on.  I think this is going to have to be a journal entry, I don’t necessarily trust this avenue.  Again, trust issues are a sign as well.  If I feel it’s safe to reveal the journal entry I’ll upload it…okay, type it up.

Just putting this down, expelling it from circling the drain in my brain has relaxed me and I’ve jettison the stress, and now I’m just a bit neurotic.

Testing Emotions

Let me just put this out there first: I am not a fan of tests.  Any tests.  All tests.  Even the funny ones that mean nothing.  I’m afraid they are going to reveal too much, like in school, that I’m stupid, or in the magazine, too scary.  Yep, that’s me, stoopid skary.  I’ve been learning about myself that I’m not stupid.  I passed my phlebotomy class and my licensing exam with minimal studying.  I still want to read the book to be sure that I have it down.  I just didn’t have the time or the bandwidth to do what needed to be done.  I could barely make it to school on time most days.

Then there are the tests you have to take to see where you are with a certain problem.  There aren’t any right or wrong answers so I try not to read the description of what the totals of different answers mean before I take the test to keep from trying to fit into a ‘norm’.  But, seriously, I can’t believe that I keep fitting outside the “you seriously need help” category as well.  For example, in the When Anger Hurts book I scored in the raging lunatic section, it was suggested I’d make a good match with Bruce Banner.  (If you don’t know that reference, shame, shame on you).

The latest test I took was for Bradshaw’s Homecoming.  Ten was the only number given, there weren’t any levels for “you’re doing well” or “Your F***ing Nuts!  Get your hug-me jacket and lock yourself in your room and we’ll pick you up momentarily”  It just said if you scored 10 or more you really need this book.  There were about 100 questions and I scored 31.5.  Yea, I know you’re wondering how I got a .5.  Some of the questions were items in my personality I already knew were  flawed and I had already started on working on them or, only half of it applied to me.  Stuff like anal and oral fixations I was a straight No but for the S&M question was a half because it looks like fun…well the roll-playing and bondage aspect of it looks fun, not the beating and humiliation part of it.  I’m not obsessed with it.  I guess that would be a no then, but it’s still an aspect of the demon so I figured it should be counted some how.

What frightened me were the sections I read after the test about emotional sexual abuse.   I have a lot of the signs Bradshaw is talking about.  I don’t know when or where it happened, and I really don’t want to know.  I’m hoping there is a way to fix it, or pave over it without having to have to have to exhume the bodies for proper disposal.  I don’t want to drill down that far into my psyche for fear of what else the action will dig up and need examination….or worse, it completely destabilizes the foundation and I just cave in, never being about to see the light of day again.


Off the Map

I’m still trying to bulldoze my way through the prologue of Homecoming by Bradshaw and it said something that pulled an interesting image up in my mind.

Erickson believed that every person has his own unique map of the world.

When I worked at the now defunct Sun Microsystems we had a trick-or-treat Halloween thing that was mandatory and my room were pirates.  I made a treasure map and put it on my cube wall.  I drew a free-form island and put in trees, huts, a volcano and so on and then a big X marking the spot.  I drew a compass in the middle of the ocean and off into the edge I drew dragons with the warning “Yonder there be dragons,”  I have a feeling that reclaiming and championing my inner child is going to be more like fighting dragons than I would like, but if fighting dragons means broadening my unique map of the world I think pushing my boundaries will be a good thing.  As long as it’s not the Norwegian horn tail.